40-min sit. I am trying… I had two public crying episodes yesterday though, both before work and after. When I was leaving Jake’s last night, the bartender I know was taking over his shift. I’d had empty seats on either side. I was reading and also on my phone, looking down, crying unobtrusively, a pile of crumpled bar napkins next to me. I had to look up when he asked me how I was doing. I’ve been better, was my response.
I’m down to four exercise sessions per week lately, as I’m unable to motivate myself to get out of bed early enough and hop to it on retail days, but I do still work out regularly. I started the daily sitting again. It’s a refuge, to avoid thinking and dwelling on “those thoughts”.
I started reading Reasons to Stay Alive, on the advice of my excellent and very caring Brit friend Sam. Ah yes! Of course I am depressed. I took a huge gamble when I left NYC. I should’ve started taking classes, expanding my skillset and looking for new work elsewhere the moment I was done with the India cycle. I didn’t do that. I’d been working steadily and lucratively, while freelance(!), through the worst of the bankster depression / recession. I guess I was over confident.
At the very least, when my NYC landlord was giving me a hard time in the Ladd apartment approval process, March 2015, I should’ve stopped right there. I should’ve said, OK, now’s not the time, and made them renew my lease again, which would’ve commenced the buyout process. I’d have had $20-50,000 extra dollars…
This is why I wanted to see a psychic. Will I ever be able to earn a living wage again? Pay my own rent somewhere, buy groceries, new clothes once in awhile, a vacation once in awhile? I can’t imagine it.
One of the key symptoms of depression is to see no hope. No future. Far from the tunnel having a light at the end of it, it seems like it is blocked at both ends, and you are inside it.
To other people it sometimes seems like nothing at all. You are walking around with your head on fire and no one can see the flames.
Had middle of the night insomnia again. I got up & fetched Henry from his favorite sleeping spot of late, the futon in my office. He stayed next to me until about 6:30am or so, when he got impatient for breakfast. I don’t have curtains and so the brightness wakes us both up.
I’m going to heat up some more coffee & see if there’s anything to apply to. A recruiter contacted me about Nike, which is funny. I’m going to say my rate is $48 hourly. Then I’m going to lay around reading until I decide it’s time to get some low key exercise. I will make the effort.
I still make the effort. It was hard to go into work yesterday… I didn’t have any makeup with me to try to hide the crying. But I went. I did my best.