I was quite happy to have won them and I was in a great mood last night, when I thought the show was. But after my beloved cat exhibiting a new symptom besides the bumpy, crusty, bald patch inducing rash he developed about a week ago – throwing up 19x within 24 hours isn’t nothing – and realizing that no, I cannot easily access even the most basic kinds of healthcare for either Henry or myself…
This year is worse than last year. Then I still had hope I’d be able to get some kind of regular income going again. I tried so hard with Nike, then with Shadow Machine. I had littler interviews here and there, and those last two in December. Now it’s different. I had my capable and well employed friend go through my freshly designed resume with me. We’re only hiring entry level. Then I tried again with Creative Co-op. We’re only hiring entry level. Tried placing an ad in the NYC Craig’s List, where there are more jobs. I got one very interested bite. She loves my work! Alas I am not local. The conversation stopped there. I told her most of my clients are remote. I said my experience in the NYC garmento world is vast & I have excellent references. Craig’s List flagged and deleted my ad. I posted it again with my actual area code but I have no hope. Oh sure I can try placing in Portland again, but… I lost money on those goddess illustrations and they did NOT lead to more work.
I have no hope.
I’m not going back to school again either. I made the slightest moves to investigate, but let’s be real. If I cannot get regular work with my talent and efficiency in the stuff I’m already experienced in and good at, what use is the time and expense of more education. I’d only be older at the end, and I’d have to default on any loans.
It’s hard to “want nothing” when that includes all and any form of income. I had to watch a little being love I suffer today. If I had income I could’ve bought some piece of mind immediately. I myself have skin conditions that are questionable and I really wonder if I have ongoing glaucoma, but watching Henry wretch over and over is worse.
So, no concert. Today I was too tired and dispirited to:
- Get dressed
- Leave my bed
Thank God it’s getting darker out earlier again anyway. And Henry kept down the rest of his morning kibble and some chicken later. Tomorrow I’ll work out again. I kind of did two days’ worth yesterday. I’ve been exercising with a sort of desperate intensity lately.
Just took a tranquilizer.