Fruity is the opposite of fruitless
I’ve read up through the first chapter of practical exercises. I have a background in yoga, self reflection via journaling and formal, seated meditation. Therefore I am doing each exercise the two weeks recommended for the somewhat experienced. Exercise 1 will take me to Christmas! That’s funny.
I finished that chapter around mid November but I was waiting to get my servitor going before starting another thing in addition to everything else. There’s the daily, seated meditation. I also had to practice a banishing ritual a bunch of times, among other things. One can only spend so much time per day engaged in such fruity endeavors.
There are 10 exercises in Step 1, so that’s 20 weeks, assuming I’m 100% committed and don’t drop the ball at any point. [Totally dropped the ball! I made it 2.5 days only. I knew the night time exercises would be the problem. That doesn’t go along with the Portland slacker lifestyle, anything involving thought & discipline in the evening. Nevertheless I will try again.]
1. Magical Schooling of the Spirit
- Bardon calls it “control”, but it’s really just observing. You start with 5min twice a day, adding 1min to each session until you’re at 10min twice. Whatever position you choose your spine should be straight. Since I practice a formal meditation I lie down for this one. You’re supposed to observe your thoughts and see what you can remember after. That’s it. The thing with me is I’m already pretty good at returning the thoughts to my chosen, internal driste when I’m practicing, paying attention. I’ve quickly figured out with this exercise that I can limit my note taking or struggling to remember by limiting my verbal thoughts.
- Day 1, 1-1-1
My left foot was numb. That was the foot that was on top in padmasana. It always falls asleep. Whatever foot’s on top. Because of the weight of the other foot pressing on the inner thigh. It happens after about 20 minutes. This exercise followed my 30 minutes seated meditation. Sick! Kept wanting to open my eyes & fidgeted a lot. Was thinking about putting my contacts in & doing a face mask. Can I exercise today? I’ll have to see.
Day 1, 1-1-2
Toenail clippings are better than fingernail clippings for magic. My cat, Henry, who is near me. Thinking about that movie jungle book the orange flower, which is fire. Feeling sick.
- Day 2, 1-1-3
Six minutes is a long time. I have to pee. Thinking about the glob of mucus I coughed up this morning. It was disgusting. “Return to sender”. If the transfer of this illness was it all intentional, I want to send it back threefold. Crows. I need to try to exercise later.
- Day 2, 1-1-4
My mind is very still. Listening. Listening to Henry he’s grooming. Chicken. I thought about the chicken he demanded last night it was fun. My pimple. Yes I thought of that too. That’s really about it for six minutes
- Day 3, 1-1-5
Sick. My throat hurts. My head hurts. Alcohol and colds. I have organized and lying in bed. Thought about trying to get Charlie to do the stupid exercise with me. Now we’re not doing anything special for the holiday, but that I guess that’s OK since I’m sick. Disgusting.
- Day 3, 1-1-6
I’m in to the congestion phase of my cold. I’m having trouble breathing through my nose. I’ll have to try to sleep propped up on two pillows tonight. Henry kept interrupting exercise, wanting to play. The sea bout the chicken dinner we made tonight. That’s pretty much it.
- Day 4, 1-1-7 (8 min now)
Mouth breathing. I just blown my nose. I still need to meditate today. I need to light the reversal candle. Imagining my skeleton, my head and muscles, and the congestion in my neck and around my ears. Thinking about bodyrock. I do want to exercise today. The rest of the time I’m basically lying here motionless.
- Day 4, 1-1-8
Rehearsal time! I’m losing my voice now. I just noticed. Anyway wasn’t even to this at all. Eight minutes seems like a long time night, when you’re really sick. But I went upstairs and came up here at 7:30 PM and I’m still awake. And I had practically a whole syringe of Candace will tonight. This was after A bottle of excellent red wine with Charlie over leftovers. We had a nice meal today, but I was really too sick to enjoy myself at any point. Yesterday was a better day. But I made myself sick or by working out, or we just gonna happen anyway. I didn’t meditate today! Oh well. I just got off Twitter again. I have been trying to go to sleep and then they started wanting to write a work out for myself. I need to do mostly (yoga) but when I want to do a short specific kit, it seems like you all the best thing to do is write my own. This is in the yoga I know exactly what I’m after, areas of what to avoid working…
- Day 5, 1-1-9
I’ll just type in here directly, as I’ve got no voice at all to use for the voice memo, like I’d been doing. Was reflecting on how losing my voice – a blocked Vishuddi chakra – is SO SYMBOLIC. I’d purposely created a servitor with two prominent, visible chakras, the ajna & vishuddi. But now, right, I’ve got “no voice in the world”. I sat before hand, with what remains of my first reversal candle burning in front of me. I tried directing all of the sadness, depression and anger I’ve felt over the past two years into it. All of the emotional effects of my disenfranchisement also need to return to sender. I didn’t do an uncrossing before I created my servitor… Maybe this is why she has not been as effective as hoped, yet. I’d missed more days of seated meditation. Today I was able to mostly hold my seat, but I did have a couple coughing jags. One was so violent I almost threw up on my lap. Wouldn’t have been much there. So far today I’ve only had black coffee, herbal tea and one caramel.
- Day 5, 1-1-10
Smashed the mirror for my first reversal spell tonight. It felt good. My hammer… it’s one I stole from my dad to take to art school and I’ve had it since. Reminds me of the hammer in The Earth Abides, a classic dystopian tale given to me by my dad. Had some beer & even some tequila too. Because fuck it.
- Day 6, 1-1-11
This was supposed to be 10min but I did 9 by mistake. I’d actually missed a full day in the heat of the illness, but I’ve accepted the fact I’m not going to do this stuff “by the book”, even if I’m following a book.
DREAMS: was on the beach with Henry. It was kind of cool for the beach, but I thought he was getting too hot (at one point I let him off the leash & he almost got away). Took him to a shady area and suddenly we’re inside! In a version of that square, many-roomed, sometimes haunted apartment dreamland likes to take me to. It’s probably based on the place in Brooklyn that I shared with Ernie. Then I’m back on the beach & Jocelyn is there & I’m telling her enthusiastically she should visit while I’m still (able) to live there, while aware I’m over stepping in familiarity levels just a bit. She’s in LA in real life now. She left Portland shortly I’d arrived after living here 8 or 9 years & was never “we should get together”.
Another one I’m practicing 3rd with Laura, and I’m moving really slowly, not even trying to keep up since I never practice that series anymore. For some reason I’m totally blowing smoke up her ass with flattery. “Oh you’re so FAST! How do go DO it?” Etc.
Something about a Donald Dump Siri…
- Day 6, 1-1-12
I forgot to do my formal, seated meditation again… actually annoyance got in the way. I feel like I haven’t had a good meal since Saturday, was promised lunch, got a nonchalant nothing & had scavenged eggs & a workout (thank gods) instead. Anyway every time I remember this exercise I don’t wanna do it but what ELSE have I got going on? I haven’t been creative in over a week & I couldn’t interest myself in watching any shows tonight.
Thinking about killing my servitor. I can’t feel any real gratitude these days. I knuckled down slightly after her “birth” but that was more a placebo effect. There have been no gigs…
Creative Circle called about something I’d applied to right b4 Xmas & I just watched the phone ring as I had no voice. Emailed back. I never get excited about those anymore tho cause a placement has yet to happen.
Think I’ll tranq up (getting to be a bad habit but this COUGH) and go to sleep.
- Day 7, 1-1-13
Up to 10min sessions now, and C seems to know when I’m doing it. He comes in! Add to that I can’t do the voice memo thing b/c it’d strain my voice too hard, trying to speak loud enough for the phone. So…DREAMS: The kids (source of this horrible, horrible cold) were home & I had the unpleasant “surprise in the kitchen”. I’d read some book on art theory / criticism and Cy and I had had a conversation about it before they left. In real life this wouldn’t happen! Apparently I’d asked her for some opinions on xyz, and in a challenging tone she followed up. She wanted to know if I thought she’d be a good art critic or philosopher. Too funny. This is another thing that’d never happen.I told them I’d been thinking to get a masters at RISD.
In another segment, I was at this agency thing, run by a guy similar to Christian Slater’s character in Mr. Robot. I was supposed to come up with $80,000 to have them “redo” me, get a packaged portfolio out of me.
Dream self – if no one ever wants to even MEET you, how are you going to show off an $80,000 portfolio? Silly.
- Day 7, 1-1-14
Missed this one.
- Day 8, 1-1-15
Decided to just do what I remembered from my dreams and seated, 30min meditation here. I wish you could embed .m4a files directly in wordpress, but you cannot. Link.
- Day 9, 1-1-16
I’m inconsistent with this exercise but I’ve finally accepted that’s the way it’s going to be. I already do a 30min formal meditation in addition. Also I read ahead just a bit and I’m really working on trying to “positive-ify” my thoughts before going to sleep, as well as repeating the banishing ritual. Recollections from last night’s main dream – Link.
- Day 10, 1-1-17
Did today’s “recollection” after my 30min sit, and I’ve decided I’m going to move on to exercise 2. I should’ve done this one twice a day for two weeks, making 28 entries, but this is the 2nd pass & I’d rather move on. It’s not like I’m getting graded on this.