Meditation & a customized “Middle Pillar” ritual

We happened to see black, beeswax, tapered candles at the food co-op the last time we were there…

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My view before yesterday’s morning sit & hermetics. The PNW is dark in the winter.

I’ve been both cursed and blessed. Sometimes even now I still look around and wonder how I got here. Of course I know! I’ve grown a tremendous amount though… pauses to think about the return to art. When I “put it down” in favor of socializing and endorphins, I always had in mind that I could return later, because fine art isn’t ageist. Of course I didn’t think about it in those terms exactly. I had no idea how things get for women past a certain age in the working world. Men too, but much less and much later.

I’d have never had a serious, intimate relationship again if I’d have stayed in NYC. I know this for 100%, gut certainty. And now? Cooking, shagging, a cat and a dog, a secluded lifestyle, daily meditation, hermetics, witchcraft… But no money. Zero earning power, and absolutely every time I’ve had my hopes raised, it’s turned out to be a false hope.

Video says I need to focus on why I want what I want. This would mainly serve as a vibrational correction for the doubt and despair of noticing its continued absence.

  1. I need to get a solid foothold in regular, well-paid illustration work because I need to earn money & art gives me the most joy.¹
  2. I’d regain some independence and purpose.
  3. I need a reason to be.
  4. It’d inspire and focus me and give me tremendous energy.

I’d gotten one bite on my latest Craig’s List Portland ad. If it’d been a real opportunity it’d have kept me busy for 3-4 months, paid a NYC worthy salary and given me a whole boatload of drive and purpose. After I’d talked to the agent I had a couple reasons to think it wouldn’t happen, but this morning I found out for sure. Some tears rolled down my cheeks during meditation.

OK then! Forget about it. Take a nap. Skip exercise if you want. Fuck it.

I’ve been working on visual notes & studying to create a personalized version of the hermetics Middle Pillar ritual… I’ll fill in some information on the correspondences (chakras, archangels, planets etc), but this is enough to do the intoning and (not pictured) the energy moving exercises. This ritual needs to be practiced standing and takes about a half hour.

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¹Not that I’m being elitist or anything! The corporations around here aren’t interested in hires over 35, no matter HOW qualified, as they’ve made abundantly clear.

 

 

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If anything, I see myself withdrawing further & further from the world

I don’t have much in common with normal people anymore. Unless you’ve got money you can’t hang and no one really wants to hear your problems, especially when they don’t change. (The move was already almost two years ago so… I remember people offering up all kinds of comforting advice the first year, like “in the PNW it takes about a month for every 10,000 you want to earn”. OK. So eventually I’ll get hired for like $500,000 a year? I’m so sure.)

And then there is the weirdness of Emperor Baby Fists… I have little to no patience for everyone’s shock and dismay. As I like to say, I’d been having 2016 since the middle of 2015. How could this HAPPEN? Guess what, shit happens and life isn’t fair. Back in NYC I’d started going to demonstrations and marches, anti nukes (Indian Point) and anti Monsanto. I didn’t for once consider going to the women’s march in Portland this Saturday. I’ve got no spirit for it. All I want to do is find somewhere amenable to sit and drink beer. That’s it.


Took another rest day yesterday. No reason other than apathy, but it was an NB and I didn’t totally pig out. Two rest days a week is bad endorphin/mood/motivation wise, though on a sheer exercise level, I work out way more intensely way more often than I used to, since I started HIIT toward the end of 2014.

I slept deeply because no alcohol and the darkness of rain. Charlie had already left for work when I got up at 7:30. He’s got a long day… I’ll get some exercise in and then maybe go downtown on the first afternoon bus. Bus 51 was out of service for a good 11 days, but it was running yesterday, and I’ve been losing my mind with just sitting in the house all the time. I could even bring some sketching supplies… It’ll be too wet to draw outside but I could just doodle in a cafe…

Day 6: Cannot speak at all #sick

I’m reduced to a notepad and speakable items. (I can type faster than I can write.) I got close to five hours of solid sleep, which is the most since before onset (Thursday night). Had to take a tranquilizer though. I’ll definitely leave the cannabis oil off the menu from now on. The high doesn’t knock me out which is the entire point. All I get is an unbearable dry mouth. I was thinking Sunday night that at least I was being forced to sip water, but staying miserably awake all night was definitely not part of the intended cure.

Last night I was hoping this would be a workout day, but I can tell I’m pretty much holding steady at the bottom here. The upswing hasn’t started yet. And who cares really? It’s not like I’m going to not look good in those nice outfits I don’t have, while hanging out with my local social circle which doesn’t exist. I’ve always made new friends easily in the past, but that requires leaving the house. It also requires an income (which here would be enough to cover the cost of drinks, snacks and uber).

If Fuzz would ever get off his ass and send us the title replacement for the pre-dented Fuzzmobile, I could learn to drive, and I could at least make grocery runs. But that wouldn’t help me socialize. I’d need to live in a public transportation zone for that.

Drinking peppermint, turmeric and ginger tea with lots of honey, now that I’ve had my black coffee. Burning the (first) reversal candle. I didn’t finish it last night because I knew I didn’t have the energy to walk down the long drive way, smash the mirror and walk back up again. Today I will do it.

The stuff in my chest is still infected and very tight. I probably won’t have a voice at all until it started to soften and break up.

Too poor for friendships

Just did my morning sit & banishing ritual practice, but before that I sent Juliet an email I’d been putting off. I cannot go to the triple 50 birthday party in Nashville! I’m way too poor. When Ch offered to get me a plane ticket, I was just getting ready to start at the latest menial job, and I was counting on saving some money for things like cabs, dinners and other entertainment. You need money to hang out! If only they’d meant the 3-days a week they’d promised. Perhaps I should’ve tried to negotiate, but when I’d tried to get reimbursed for at least a couple hours after a last minute cancelled shift at the last place they really doubled down on the abuse.

The people who are paid the least have to work the hardest, and they also suffer the most abuse.

As a corollary, those who speak up in those conditions suffer immediate consequences. If your opinion were important in the slightest a company would not immediately disregard the schedule described during the interview. That’s just the way it goes. I used to stick up for and support those I saw getting abused in the workplace in NYC. I was really popular with the mailroom people, with the cleaning staff… Unfortunately this attitude has not helped me, karmically, on the west coast.

Anyway I kept moving “look for plane tickets” in my iCal. It came up again today… How much money would I want to bring with me? Considering I haven’t seen these long term friends of mine in two years, I’d want to be able to let loose. In the old days I know I’d arrive with about $400 cash.

The chances of my earning any money at all before the end of the year are slim. I haven’t been posting in Craig’s List for awhile because the Portland page resulted in only one client, and I totally lost money on that set of illustrations. That’d have been ok it they led to new clients but it did not. This morning I looked in the ads for creatives. I saw one for chainsaw artist in Sherwood. They’ve got a bunch of old trees and logs they want made into art, but they don’t have much money. They want to pay in meat, lol. Not that I know how to carve with chainsaws but that’s a pretty typical listing.


If I got lucky enough to make some money before the end of the year I could check out the ticket prices then, but it’s probably not going to happen.

Last night discovered I no longer have the ability to purchase metro tickets

Can’t get there from here

a personal favorite dream genre

I was in some urban area with a subway. I had to scan my passport in order to buy tickets, and though I’d done it a million times before I could NOT get it to work. I got so hysterical some woman helped me, but she told me something was wrong that I couldn’t correct. She gave me some sort of “fix” that’d allow me to board that train that day, but I knew I’d never be able to travel freely again.

That one’s not hard to explain.


I am SO bad at adulting

I’m deeply embarrassed right now for a stupid mistake I’m not going to detail. I will just “lean into” the mindbody cringe because thankfully there will be no severe repercussions other than my realizing anew I’m an idiot. I’m trying to take the Pema to heart. If all my expectations have gone tits up, (as Sam would say), despite the fact I seemed to be so primed for new success the failure was a surprise to everyone, I should at least try to learn something from it. I’m not doing anything else.

Smart people can be highly intelligent in some areas and extraordinarily inept in others. Maybe my current situation is one of the reasons I’m watching politics for the first time in my life. The shit show makes me feel better, not so alone.

I’d always thought I had myself together to a large degree, but blowing everything up & moving to Portland has revealed I most certainly do not. Everything is so goddamn circumstantial.


Twitter is down right now & it’s making me crazy(er).

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It’s the Russians doing it for Drumpf!!! I was on his page yesterday for literally hours, reading, hearting and sometimes retweeting all the shade in the comments. There was more shade than anything else. He’s gotta be feeling the pain today, after the debate and then tanking during the Al Smith dinner. Which I’d never heard of before this year, but hey, I am a woman who was a year off about her own age until Scott Weiland ODd.

How the hell did I ever manage to be so productive and competitive in the work force in NYC? I can’t believe I managed it from present perspective. I almost can’t remember that version of myself, and I’m so cut off from the past (contact with old friends who would “remind me”) there’s only a trace of that person left, I feel.

Whatever. I should look for a vegan chocolate chip cookie recipe. I told Charlie I was going to attempt to make him cookies.

Not to brag, but I can sit in #meditation for 40 minutes

Without changing my legs in padmasana! The foot & calf on top always go numb after about 20min, from the weight of the first foot in pressing on top of the thigh. Of course today it was all avoidance. It is SO DARK.

I made this video when I was still at The Hotel. Thinking about it now, I was actually still way more hopeful then, in lots of ways I won’t detail because then I’d have to move this post to the Batcave.

I just wish Henry would deign to nap with me. He’s in love with the pantry. He’s a Pantry Cat. Spends all of his time in there when not campaigning for food lately.


At least the (what passes for) the campaign has kept me busy on Twitter for hours. Look it’s already the afternoon!

Killer #pyramid #intervals & #restorative #yoga

Workout was really like 1:48min total.

I glanced at my watch when getting up from savasana, but I forgot to stop it before taking a shower. I’m thrown off by all this door closing! It’s like I’m in a British art film. I brought the space heater in & warmed the room up just a little before turning it off & doing my pyramid. Then I turned it back on for yoga & back off when I was done. I was picking up the equipment, putting it back in the hall and getting shit I’d need and every time out of the room I’d closed the door to keep the heat in. Then I had to bring the heater into the bathroom and warm up that space. The light by the shower end is connected to a vent, which you need to have here because Portland = damp. In and out, doors closing. Sir Henry is confused. He hates a closed door! He’ll scratch outside and then complain when he’s let in and “shut in”.

You’ll see I had an intense workout cause I’d done about 25min easy yoga after finishing the pyramid, and then I’d cleared the space and gotten the bathroom heat going before taking off my watch to get in the shower, and my average was still 140.

This is good! I’ll be taking a forced, 2-week break from exercise over the holidays… and it’s not because I’m traveling. At the very most I’ll get 2 workouts per week. We’ll see how that goes. I immediately crossed any thoughts to cook off my list.

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I gave myself a 2-3min break between sets, lol.

  1. pyramid 50:10 (2x) – 20min Wore 8lb vest.
  2. 40:10 (2x) – 16:40m No vest.
  3. 30:10 (2x) – 13:20m With vest through this & the rest of the sets.
  4. 20:10 (2x) – 10m
  5. 10:10 (2x) – 6:40m1. SA 1-2 burpee tuck jumps Using alt arms, jump back to plank & butt kick. Jump in & come up & tuck jump.
    2. Alt Curtsy lunge plank jack push-ups  2 10lb
    3. Switch lunge (weight pass through)
    4. Push up toe taps -t stand 
    5. Pendulum lunges + hops RL 2 15lb These are SO FREAKING HARD holding 30lbs & wearing a vest. And I’m just 8lbs! That’s enough with all the push-ups.
    6. Pendulum lunges + hops LL
    7. Lizard hops Kind of like a staggered, continuous nakrasana with 8 extra pounds on your shoulders.
    8. Manmakers 2 15lb
    9. In and out squat jumps 5 + star jumps (2)
    10. Cross/cross/upper front kick tuck jump

Total time – 1:16:50

Yoga

About 25min restorative, with a 3min savasana. I really needed it! Normally I do like 1min.