Last night discovered I no longer have the ability to purchase metro tickets

Can’t get there from here

a personal favorite dream genre

I was in some urban area with a subway. I had to scan my passport in order to buy tickets, and though I’d done it a million times before I could NOT get it to work. I got so hysterical some woman helped me, but she told me something was wrong that I couldn’t correct. She gave me some sort of “fix” that’d allow me to board that train that day, but I knew I’d never be able to travel freely again.

That one’s not hard to explain.


I am SO bad at adulting

I’m deeply embarrassed right now for a stupid mistake I’m not going to detail. I will just “lean into” the mindbody cringe because thankfully there will be no severe repercussions other than my realizing anew I’m an idiot. I’m trying to take the Pema to heart. If all my expectations have gone tits up, (as Sam would say), despite the fact I seemed to be so primed for new success the failure was a surprise to everyone, I should at least try to learn something from it. I’m not doing anything else.

Smart people can be highly intelligent in some areas and extraordinarily inept in others. Maybe my current situation is one of the reasons I’m watching politics for the first time in my life. The shit show makes me feel better, not so alone.

I’d always thought I had myself together to a large degree, but blowing everything up & moving to Portland has revealed I most certainly do not. Everything is so goddamn circumstantial.


Twitter is down right now & it’s making me crazy(er).

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It’s the Russians doing it for Drumpf!!! I was on his page yesterday for literally hours, reading, hearting and sometimes retweeting all the shade in the comments. There was more shade than anything else. He’s gotta be feeling the pain today, after the debate and then tanking during the Al Smith dinner. Which I’d never heard of before this year, but hey, I am a woman who was a year off about her own age until Scott Weiland ODd.

How the hell did I ever manage to be so productive and competitive in the work force in NYC? I can’t believe I managed it from present perspective. I almost can’t remember that version of myself, and I’m so cut off from the past (contact with old friends who would “remind me”) there’s only a trace of that person left, I feel.

Whatever. I should look for a vegan chocolate chip cookie recipe. I told Charlie I was going to attempt to make him cookies.

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I don’t like today’s reading, but I think it is accurate #tarot #malaise

I could use less thinking (wallowing) and more doing. That said, I’m going to sit for meditation right after this.

I’d been bored and restless last night, watching shows on my laptop alternated with reading, but I wasn’t that engaged with either activity. Then I went to sleep and had stress dreams, at least the one right before I woke up this morning was.

Well, onward. I’ll sit. I’ll exercise… I’ll do a little work. Maybe there will be something to apply to today.

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Card 1, within: Queen of Wands

  • Last seen yesterday in same placement.
  • Creates an environment of spirit (growth, change).

Introduction: The Queen of Wands is one of the most fertile (metaphorically and literally) and feminine/womanly energies in the Tarot deck. In a reading, like all court cards, she can often signify a literal person in our lives, most often female, and most often with hair tending toward the lighter shades in the spectrum. The Queen brings good energy, and is a positive sign to receive.

General: The Queen of Wands can also refer to a woman who has a lot of fire energy about her e.g. Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius. When not referring to a literal person, she stands for getting a lot accomplished, and often, a focus on work/career. The Queen is positive, uplifting energy. When she stands in for a woman in your life, she’s a good friend, who is solidly on your side, even though she may seem a bit self-absorbed. If you are trying to conceive and this card appears, it’s one of the most positive signs that there can be.

Work: When the Queen of Wands appears in a reading about work, you are going to get a great deal accomplished successfully in a short period of time – this is a very positive omen. If you are looking for work, this Queen can mean that a woman (usually with light-colored hair) will be instrumental in helping you find employment. All in all, things will be looking up professionally.

Keywords: Shaman, witch, powerful shapeshifter. An environment where growth and creativity and the gifts of the true self are cultured, cherished, upheld and encouraged.


Card 2, without: I The Magician, reversed

Introduction: Even when reversed, the Magician is about making higher – and better – use of all of one’s power. The reversal, however, can indicate that one is hesitant about making the necessary changes in order to use their power in a more spiritual and more effective manner. (Like getting up & doing yoga rather than just eating breakfast for example?) Consider what it is that you are afraid of. Is it that others may not like “the new you?” You’re right, they may not. However, this is no reason to not step into who you really want to – and are meant to – be.

General: When the Magician shows in reverse, you may be overlooking the synchronicities, which could be pointing you in the direction you most want to and need to go. Again, when this card is reversed, you could be doubting yourself unnecessarily and causing yourself (and those around you) problems as a result.

Work: Receiving the Magician in reverse can indicate a resistance to needed change when it comes to your working life. The truth is that nothing stays the same forever, change and newness is a part of life. Don’t cling to the past.

Keywords: Unable to hold a thought, an intent, a vision, a plan, unable to focus your will. Not utilizing your gifts or working to develop your potential. (Sounds right. I did get some work done yesterday but I feel increasingly vague, operating in an isolated vacuum.)

Card 3, advice: King of Swords, reversed

Keywords: Letting thoughts, fears, doubts get the better of you and harm you. Supporting your doubts and fears with your thoughts and actions. Holding an image of failure.

#Dreams • #tarot • when I left #NYC

Last night I made love to a woman. I was also a very busy artist. This is dreamland! I’d say “of course” except now I’m also an artist again in real life. I was showing a bunch of illustrations to someone, unrolling drawings… I used to buy rolled paper and I had a plastic carrying case especially made for large, rolled drawings while at RISD. That didn’t make it to the west coast. I hadn’t worked large scale in YEARS. Who has the space for that? And even just a tabloid sized scanner is like 4x the price of the page-sized. Considerations…

[pardon digression 1] I got to a horror scene of a big, open, malevolent, pea green room. It was like The Hovel only 5-6x the size and evil. Lots of negative space, like the will-be-famous shots below. I think I got that old yoga top at Crunch gym, of all places. The old Lafayette branch used to have a really good shop area in the front. This would mean I bought it over 15 years ago, but that’s not unusual. I wear things until they literally fall off my body, and I did so even when I earned a relatively nice living. I’ve got more than a little Stoic in me.

[pardon digression 2] There were two evil, doll-babies in the far right corner of the room. My viewer (another woman) recoiled. I can do horror, I said smugly.

Friday, March 13, 2015, 2Friday, March 13, 2015


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New cards!

Card 1 (within): The Fool.


In the beginning of the deck, the Fool is unnumbered, free and limitless. He is zero, the beginning. Keywords: First step in a long and profound journey. Beginnings. Folly. Purity, innocence. Play.


Introduction: The Fool is always an indicator of newness; as well as the purity and open-hearted energy of a child. This is generally considered a positive card, with the caveat that it’s important to take time to be sure that you are “looking where you’re going.”

General: In general, this card would indicate new beginnings that have some deeper spiritual meaning – for example, starting a meditation practice or a relationship, as opposed to buying a new pair of shoes. The appearance of the fool can depict an important “fresh start.”

Card 2 (without): Ace of Disks.

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Keywords: New birth, new life, new manifestation. Your whole life ahead of you.

Card 3 (advice): Queen of Disks.

Creates a safe physical environment. Keywords: Gardening, culturing, organizing, nurturing. A safe and secure environment where people and things can grow strong and unconquerable. Safety, stability, prosperity. Physical and financial security.

Last night I dreamt of a beautiful, purple cat

His fur ranged from a beautiful, dark & saturated, blue-ish purple to an even darker, more burgundy color on his paws. There were also some darker stripes on his face, which was a bit Egyptian, sphinx like in shape and ear size.

He was beautiful and affectionate and I felt instantly he was mine. I can only remember him laying down, my petting him, and later talking about how gorgeous he was. This was a middle of the night dream. I woke up after and asked myself to remember. I’ve been up for three and a half hours and I just did.


Violet: Color meanings of violet dreams indicate divinity, peace, tranquility and enlightenment. I hesitate to even use that word “enlightenment” because it’s tossed around so haphazardly. We’re talking about a devout presence of knowingness in violet hued dreams. It’s as if higher wisdom is a personality of its own, and it presence is standing within your body – thinking – knowing – watching – independently yet separately. It’s a sensational experience, and violet dreams are a glimpse inside that kind of awareness-phenomenon. Violet is about blossoming and opening up to new, unconventional experiences. It’s chakra is the crown, and is depicted as a thousand-petal lotus unfurling its luscious body to drink in all the sensations available to it. And, the key is everything is available for the lotus sensory organ to devour. Violet dreams mark the union of the soul with body, mind and divine consciousness. With this kind of conjugation comes bliss, satisfaction, and rest. These are fleeting moments…swim in them loosely for as long as you can. The more we swim in violet energies, the more we’ll experience this lucid presence of knowing. So, if you have violet dreams, appreciate every square inch of them, because they are a real gift from the divine source. . Violet color meanings in dreams ask us:

  • How can I become more fully aware of the watcher within?
  • How can I experience life more fully?
  • What is my highest intent for life, and are my actions aligned with that intent?
  • Is peace a state of mind? State of being? What are my beliefs about peace?
  • Do I have to earn contentment and tranquility?
  • What is my relationship with this present moment – this now?

I’m taking a rest day today. I could’ve exercised, because I’m getting a ride downtown later, but I decided to skip it. I’m distressingly not at ALL obsessive these days!