This blog is now closed.

Due to the fact that there is no email option for 2-step authentication codes with unpaid WordPress blogs. To follow art, design, workouts & beloved Sir Henry exploits, please check out my instagram and (for now) my adobe portfolio.

Advertisements

A tired, aggravated Monday morning, but I am very lucky #gratitude

This is what I was thinking very early this morning, listening to the torrential downpour while cuddling next to Sir Henry. We’re safe and warm and snuggly!, I cooed to him. Sure corporate America hates me; I’m an over 40, non nepotism-beneficiary, vagina owner. I’m still a lot luckier than many. I don’t forget to be grateful for the good stuff, which is quite often the simple stuff, the basic human needs and comforts. Do you have heat? hot water? a comfortable bed and warm blankets? healthy food to eat? If you have all of that, things aren’t so bad.

iPage sucks, and I’ve let as many people know about this today as possible

Then I got up and had to deal with my former website host, unexpectedly. That took quite awhile, and it was after another similar session just months ago. There are only two other reviews on Google and they’re both 1-star, lol. All told Charlie and I sat at the table 3½ hours. We also found out it’d have been better to transfer my line over earlier! My iPhone service ended today but I have to change my sim card and will have to wait to receive it and pray there are no technical difficulties. Like, I’m pretty sure AT&T wants to make you pay to get it changed, and I’m not at all handy with crap like this (though I did figure out how to change both the batteries in my Polar heart rate monitor recently).

I will also have to change my phone number and get a 503 area code, like I was saying on Facebook. This is because my AT&T account is already closed and I’d need a temporary activation to port out, which they’d like to charge a total of $70 in parting fees for. I’d been advised in 2015 by a 10-year PDX veteran that it’d be better to keep my 646, NYC area code as long as possible, saying locals are impressed by a New York association. I certainly have not found that to be the case. And my situation is such that it’s better to take the time to change my phone number on all my online accounts, however many times that comes up, over paying $70 and having to suffer through more phone calls through AT&T. Dealing with one cell phone provider at a time is enough! The last agent I talked to had the grace to sound embarrassed when she was forced to try to push television service on me at the end of the call. #asIF

Also this winter sure sucks weather wise

I wasn’t exaggerating earlier this winter. According to The Oregonian it was the coldest January since 1979. Plus we had snowpocalypse as well as other periods of snow induced house arrest. And now the torrential rains! Generally it hadn’t rained in extended periods before. You’d have breaks where the skies would brighten and you could get out and do stuff. This year it’s been a lot heavier and significantly longer, not Portland mist but more like gloomy, New England rain. I’ve really felt like I brought the weather with me! But of course that’s silly because if I did there wouldn’t have been a 2-year delay.

It’d have been really nice if at least we’d had half way decent weather for Sam’s visit. Walking around and hanging out in nature is really the best this area has to offer (and it’s Extreme Budget friendly), but there’s loads of things we haven’t done because it’s been so consistently rainy: Multnomah Falls, the Chinese Garden, walking along the waterfront, Tanner Springs Park, walking around the Pearl.

We did manage to get outside the portion of the one day it was good weather, Friday. Even the Japanese Garden was distinctly underwhelming though, with all the construction going on. The fish ponds were opaque swamps of pea soup too! I’m not kidding. I pointed to an indistinct, orange blob and said, That’s a really beautiful fish, if you could see it. They should really have a reduced admission for off season if it’s like that. Next time I’d just as soon walk on the trails around the zoo, in Forest Park, for free. I think it’s only worth admission starting mid March or so.

We’ve still had a really nice visit

We got in:

  1. Deschutes
  2. The Japanese Garden
  3. 23rd Ave
  4. Dick’s Kitchen & a good “home party”
  5. Short Cuts” at the art museum, a film festival, curated set of 6 animations. They made a point to not include any American films, so as to provide more of what might not otherwise get seen outside of animation competitions. It was excellent, I thought.
  6. Powell’s
  7. Portland City Grill for happy hour – they are so expensive otherwise! And anyway this time of year it’s dark later. Charlie was looking at the regular menu just for fun and announced that the shrimp cocktail appetizer is $32. We both laughed. We got there just a smidge early for the start of happy hour and were lucky to score a round table. I don’t know how anyone ever manages to get a booth. You probably need the right connections, lol.

The plan had been to meet around midday for Pittock Mansion, but we’re both tired for different reasons. Today will instead be lazy, inward and teetotaling kind. Our last stint of hanging out is probably tomorrow! It went by so fast… I’ve been amazed to have met two long-time blog friends for the first time ever in Portland. I’ve known both Sam and Ursula for about ten years, through the online Ashtanga world. Didn’t think people actually visit Portland unless they work for one of the maybe three, functioning corporations here, LOL. I’ve been especially happy about it because I’m so isolated here, normally.

I’m going to relax, read and then work out in the late afternoon. I’ve gotta work on a creative schedule for the end of the week. I need to get back to the concept work for my logo project and schedule some drawing, painting and illustration.

I’m lucky! I can relax on this gloomy day.

This day hasn’t started off very well

And it’s the one year anniversary of my move to The Hill. No, I still don’t have a driver’s license, because I also don’t have the title for the junker and thus nothing to learn on. I also never got a bike. It’s dicey around Dosch Road though, even for experienced, competitive (and young!) bikers. I live with two of them.

The joy of dealing with cell phone providers…

Wading through the AT&T website and service line makes you want to scream (I did, several times, scaring the dog) and bash your head into a wall (not yet but the day is young). My contract ends on the 20th and I could not let it renew and get locked into another 1½-2 year contract. I can’t afford it! I’m getting charged an extra $31 in fuck-you fees… I might be on C’s plan, but we don’t know for sure cause he can’t get through to Verizon.

The My AT&T website wouldn’t let me change my address, and of course there is NO button or link to “terminate my account”. I got a “need some help?” message which informed me I should go to chat, which of course was “busy” as in “not functioning at all” with a little banner informing you of such. So helpful!

In contemplating the potential of life without a smartphone I realized I wouldn’t have a camera! There’d be no Instagram in that case. Hrrrm… IG is fun cause even bad at social media, middle-aged types like myself will get noticed. Thinking of the artistic self promotion here. The thing is, I’ve never gotten a solid lead in that way.

I’m just trying to type it out before I sit for meditation. It’s going to be a fun one.

Fucking hell I wish that last job opportunity had been real.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh well.

I worked steadily in NYC. I want everyone to remember that, myself included. Not that I want to dwell on it, but ok I’m rambling.

Speaking of magic and reversal spells…

As previously mentioned here and here, I buried a makeshift cauldron containing a reversal spell on the last day of 2016, in a sort of “hidden” area near the northwest corner of the yard. It’s got a chain-link fence around it because it was the old puppy-run, back when Charlie bred Golden Retrievers. It’s all overgrown now… We selected our Christmas tree from there & I liked the hidden, remote feeling I got.

The old plum tree is to the right of the entrance to this little corner space. It was already leaning way over, parallel to the ground, as per this very quick color sketch.

tree, back yard.jpeg

The snowpocalypse last month did the tree in, and not only did it crash down, but it squashed another tree too, effectively barricading off the bubbling, magic danger zone. How funny is that?

The highlighted area shows where the path used to lead to the gate opening.

IMG_0554.JPG

FullSizeRender 2.jpg
Nature say, “Keep Out!”

You can’t quite tell (from my iPhone 6 photo) just how congested the area is right in front of the gate opening, so I went around the now-more-horizontal plum tree to the right.

IMG_0556.JPG

Going underneath the plum tree really isn’t an option either. Sure if you were desperate you could get through, but it’d be a messy struggle. The two, toppled trees are enough of a deterrent to let the magic simmer undisturbed for awhile. Eventually Charlie will chop up the trees for firewood.

Meditation & a customized “Middle Pillar” ritual

We happened to see black, beeswax, tapered candles at the food co-op the last time we were there…

black, taper candle.jpg
My view before yesterday’s morning sit & hermetics. The PNW is dark in the winter.

I’ve been both cursed and blessed. Sometimes even now I still look around and wonder how I got here. Of course I know! I’ve grown a tremendous amount though… pauses to think about the return to art. When I “put it down” in favor of socializing and endorphins, I always had in mind that I could return later, because fine art isn’t ageist. Of course I didn’t think about it in those terms exactly. I had no idea how things get for women past a certain age in the working world. Men too, but much less and much later.

I’d have never had a serious, intimate relationship again if I’d have stayed in NYC. I know this for 100%, gut certainty. And now? Cooking, shagging, a cat and a dog, a secluded lifestyle, daily meditation, hermetics, witchcraft… But no money. Zero earning power, and absolutely every time I’ve had my hopes raised, it’s turned out to be a false hope.

Video says I need to focus on why I want what I want. This would mainly serve as a vibrational correction for the doubt and despair of noticing its continued absence.

  1. I need to get a solid foothold in regular, well-paid illustration work because I need to earn money & art gives me the most joy.¹
  2. I’d regain some independence and purpose.
  3. I need a reason to be.
  4. It’d inspire and focus me and give me tremendous energy.

I’d gotten one bite on my latest Craig’s List Portland ad. If it’d been a real opportunity it’d have kept me busy for 3-4 months, paid a NYC worthy salary and given me a whole boatload of drive and purpose. After I’d talked to the agent I had a couple reasons to think it wouldn’t happen, but this morning I found out for sure. Some tears rolled down my cheeks during meditation.

OK then! Forget about it. Take a nap. Skip exercise if you want. Fuck it.

I’ve been working on visual notes & studying to create a personalized version of the hermetics Middle Pillar ritual… I’ll fill in some information on the correspondences (chakras, archangels, planets etc), but this is enough to do the intoning and (not pictured) the energy moving exercises. This ritual needs to be practiced standing and takes about a half hour.

Middle Pillar Ritual-01.jpg

¹Not that I’m being elitist or anything! The corporations around here aren’t interested in hires over 35, no matter HOW qualified, as they’ve made abundantly clear.

 

 

If anything, I see myself withdrawing further & further from the world

I don’t have much in common with normal people anymore. Unless you’ve got money you can’t hang and no one really wants to hear your problems, especially when they don’t change. (The move was already almost two years ago so… I remember people offering up all kinds of comforting advice the first year, like “in the PNW it takes about a month for every 10,000 you want to earn”. OK. So eventually I’ll get hired for like $500,000 a year? I’m so sure.)

And then there is the weirdness of Emperor Baby Fists… I have little to no patience for everyone’s shock and dismay. As I like to say, I’d been having 2016 since the middle of 2015. How could this HAPPEN? Guess what, shit happens and life isn’t fair. Back in NYC I’d started going to demonstrations and marches, anti nukes (Indian Point) and anti Monsanto. I didn’t for once consider going to the women’s march in Portland this Saturday. I’ve got no spirit for it. All I want to do is find somewhere amenable to sit and drink beer. That’s it.


Took another rest day yesterday. No reason other than apathy, but it was an NB and I didn’t totally pig out. Two rest days a week is bad endorphin/mood/motivation wise, though on a sheer exercise level, I work out way more intensely way more often than I used to, since I started HIIT toward the end of 2014.

I slept deeply because no alcohol and the darkness of rain. Charlie had already left for work when I got up at 7:30. He’s got a long day… I’ll get some exercise in and then maybe go downtown on the first afternoon bus. Bus 51 was out of service for a good 11 days, but it was running yesterday, and I’ve been losing my mind with just sitting in the house all the time. I could even bring some sketching supplies… It’ll be too wet to draw outside but I could just doodle in a cafe…

How long is this awakening going to take anyway? #renunciate #hermit

Yes… This was not intentional, the renunciation, but it is a LOT as described in this video. NYC was the life of work and a sometimes quite extroverted hedonism, but no real, intimate relationship. PDX is the polar opposite, and I cannot go on like this forever. I don’t see any way out of it though. At least I know I’m not alone. This inability to accomplish much of anything gets pronounced after awhile.

I totally have to “do something”, but HOW? I’m still sitting here… Might not even work out today. Two rest days in a week really isn’t ideal if you spend the rest of your time inert but whatever. At least I took Henry for a walk around the house. He likes to make his “rounds” and this was the first time it was above freezing and not raining in over ten days. The Oregonian reported that this January has been the coldest in Portland since 1979. I know it’s silly to feel personally affronted, but I do.


We figured out the Julian Rexy, watercolor easel. They’d glued one of the legs together. I didn’t want to let him but Charlie took it apart and fixed it. The thing that you pull out to adjust the top end of the easel holding is really stiff. You can pull it but you have to work it side to side first, and then bits of shavings fly off. Turns out you really can’t get a good French easel for less than about $350! But I’ll keep it. This one came to me…


We checked out a totally lame bead store in Multnomah Village today. I’m obsessed with making a mala necklace for myself. It’d actually be cheaper to buy one on Etsy, but I haven’t been happy with the quality of any of my (3 so far) purchases from there. They take forever to arrive; they’re never as good as you’d hoped and they don’t last long. I should make it myself. That’s the only way you get anything decent these days, unless you’ve got a really big budget.

today's reading 1.19.17.jpg
Today’s reading

The Queen of Disks makes yet another appearance, and in the “advice” position, the 3rd card drawn. She’s totally “my” card, for this new phase of my life, coupled-up in a way I hadn’t been since my mid 20s.

What’s the best day, time and planetary hour for an uncrossing spell?

Hmmm… Me thinks Friday. It’s a good day, they say. Either Thursday or Friday, but tomorrow is probably worst inauguration in the history of the USA, and the moon will be in Scorpio. Perfect!

planetary hours.jpg

Hmmm… maybe do my meditation at sunrise & start the uncrossing at 9:49, first hour ruled by Jupiter. Then I could work out and go downtown at 2:34. Bus 51 should finally be back in sparse service.