Too poor for friendships

Just did my morning sit & banishing ritual practice, but before that I sent Juliet an email I’d been putting off. I cannot go to the triple 50 birthday party in Nashville! I’m way too poor. When Ch offered to get me a plane ticket, I was just getting ready to start at the latest menial job, and I was counting on saving some money for things like cabs, dinners and other entertainment. You need money to hang out! If only they’d meant the 3-days a week they’d promised. Perhaps I should’ve tried to negotiate, but when I’d tried to get reimbursed for at least a couple hours after a last minute cancelled shift at the last place they really doubled down on the abuse.

The people who are paid the least have to work the hardest, and they also suffer the most abuse.

As a corollary, those who speak up in those conditions suffer immediate consequences. If your opinion were important in the slightest a company would not immediately disregard the schedule described during the interview. That’s just the way it goes. I used to stick up for and support those I saw getting abused in the workplace in NYC. I was really popular with the mailroom people, with the cleaning staff… Unfortunately this attitude has not helped me, karmically, on the west coast.

Anyway I kept moving “look for plane tickets” in my iCal. It came up again today… How much money would I want to bring with me? Considering I haven’t seen these long term friends of mine in two years, I’d want to be able to let loose. In the old days I know I’d arrive with about $400 cash.

The chances of my earning any money at all before the end of the year are slim. I haven’t been posting in Craig’s List for awhile because the Portland page resulted in only one client, and I totally lost money on that set of illustrations. That’d have been ok it they led to new clients but it did not. This morning I looked in the ads for creatives. I saw one for chainsaw artist in Sherwood. They’ve got a bunch of old trees and logs they want made into art, but they don’t have much money. They want to pay in meat, lol. Not that I know how to carve with chainsaws but that’s a pretty typical listing.

If I got lucky enough to make some money before the end of the year I could check out the ticket prices then, but it’s probably not going to happen.


I’ve ALWAYS been a #renunciate by nature

Or as Greg, formerly known as Fucknut, once said to a friend while pointing at me, That one’s a Sadhu in training. He made a gesture like this

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and goes, She cares this much what people think. Him included!, As it later turned out. But I delete my digression. I’m no longer pissed about the ending.

I like to get really involved with things for awhile – passionate obsessions – and then (almost) totally abandon them: studies, artistic endeavors, NYC, ashtanga… I like to say I’m no longer this or that. I have a lot of practice in the fluidity of self identification, though I think sometimes I err too strongly in that direction…

Post meditation thoughts

Read a really long FB post by Matthew Sweeney this morning. I do regret I wasn’t ever able to participate in one of his month long intensives. He’s one of the few major, old school teachers I can ever read or watch without extreme eye roll. I was lucky enough to witness the end of his practice during my one and only, short month visit to Command Central. I ended up in the same spot in back of the room a few days in a row, starting my practice as M was finishing his, one or two rows behind me. Can’t remember which. I DO remember watching his tick tocks in awe while I was in my Suryas. I couldn’t fucking help it. He was right within driste.


Out of my previous, extensive collection of yoga books, this is the single one I decided to keep. It’s really all I needed to take with me to the west coast. It’s the best reference tools there is on the vinyasa, as far as I’m concerned.

Some rare nostalgia

Back in the golden days when Christopher was teaching me 3rd series as fast as he could, and I got the first eleven poses my first day in, I’d be studying the vinyasa from this book in the evening. If I messed it up C would make me repeat! And I was still doing full 2nd for a bit, though I’m pretty sure he took off the seven headstands within a few days. He gave me all of the arm balances within the next three weeks, and then gave me the split he’d already worked out, before he left for an India trip. All of my friends got new split instructions too. He’d want talk to you seated on the floor, right before you were going to roll up your mat to go. He’d sit RIGHT in front of you & lock on the mind control stare while he told you what YOU WERE GOING TO BE DOING the next six weeks. Everyone’s split was completely unique and made sense per student. That was C!

My first 2nd/3rd split was a helluva intense practice! I’d do suryas and standing and second to Kapo. Then I’d skip to Karandavasana and after that straight into 3rd. That’s a steady crescendo right there. Boom-boom-boom all the way through the freaking arm balances.

Anyway, to wrap this up so I can get on with my day, I’ll say that while I’m definitely interested in working more yoga into my exercise, some legitimate practice rather than merely minimal closing stretches, I’m hugely wary of getting over attached again. I am proud of myself that I broke my addictive relationship with Ashtanga. The only way I could do it was to steadily extricate myself further and further from the scene of The Cult, of course. Happily I’m in no danger of temptation there because I’m couldn’t afford any involvement

If you can sit without asana, you don’t need the asana #meditation

Other forms of physical exercise are much more efficient and far less damaging to your joints!

I’m not exercising this week but I’m meditating daily, 22 minutes in the morning. Of course with a head cold you’re obliged to break your seat occasionally for coughing, sneezing and nose blowing. Still… I’d like to do a second, 18 minute evening sit but so far no.

I’ll get in two workouts this week anyway, Friday and Saturday. (Hopefully I’m not scheduled again until next week, but I’m not in the system yet so… Will find out during my shift.)

#reps, legs, shoulder presses & plank holds, #yoga


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Not bad for not being healthy! Gory details to follow later in Batcave.

Did the first 3 groups of exercises with a list & the two burnouts (hip thrusts & plank holds) with the video.

  • 2x Time = 2:45-2:59, 14min
  • with 8lb vest
  1. 10 Parallel Squat, feet hip width 30lbs
  2. 10 Clean and press 40lbs
  3. 10 Front squat, feet together 30lbs
  4. 10 squat and press 30lbs
  5. 20 mat jumps / butt kickers
  6. 50 high knees toe taps 2=1
  • 3x Time = 3:00-3:16, 16min
  1. 8 Goblet sumo presses 30lbs
  2. 8 alt Side lunges 2=1, 30lbs
  3. 8 ski squats (feet together) 30lbs
  4. 8 sumo weighted leg lifts 2=1, 30lbs (weight resting on leg that lifts)
  5. 20 weighted chair lunges 2=1 just vest
  6. 10 Weighted box jumps just vest
  • 4x Time = 3:18 – 3:41, 23min
  • Julia has 52lbs, but since holding 2, 10lb weights in one hand would be too painful on one hand, 30 was my max. It’s ok. I wasn’t even gonna bother to work out today at all.
  1. 6 RL forward lunge and press 30lbs
  2. 6 LL forward lunge and press 30lbs
  3. 6 RL Curtsy & kick 30lbs
  4. 6 LL Curtsy & kick
  5. 20 Switch lunges 2=1
  6. 10 plank kick outs 2= 1 Feet elevated rounds 2-4

Hip Thrust Circuits

  1. 20 reps hip thrusts 30lbs all the way thru. Should be 60lbs. Maybe some day I’ll have a gym membership again!
  2. 10 reps + 30 sec hold 3 sets (30 sec rest between sets)
  3. 10 reps + 10 sec hold 3 sets (15 sec rest between sets)
  4. 20 reps hip thrusts

Plank circuit by Kristin R
Do 4 rounds back to back, add 10 seconds to the planks each round so by the last round each plank is 1 min each. (Strong Magazine)

1. 30 sec Plank
2. 30 sec R Side Plank
3. 30 sec L Side Plank
4. 5 Burpees (For each round change the type: Normal/Wide/Tricep/Plyo Pushup Burpees)

Time = 1:23:30



It’d have been nice to make it to the show I won free tickets to

I was quite happy to have won them and I was in a great mood last night, when I thought the show was. But after my beloved cat exhibiting a new symptom besides the bumpy, crusty, bald patch inducing rash he developed about a week ago – throwing up 19x within 24 hours isn’t nothing – and realizing that no, I cannot easily access even the most basic kinds of healthcare for either Henry or myself…

This year is worse than last year. Then I still had hope I’d be able to get some kind of regular income going again. I tried so hard with Nike, then with Shadow Machine. I had littler interviews here and there, and those last two in December. Now it’s different. I had my capable and well employed friend go through my freshly designed resume with me. We’re only hiring entry level. Then I tried again with Creative Co-op. We’re only hiring entry level. Tried placing an ad in the NYC Craig’s List, where there are more jobs. I got one very interested bite. She loves my work! Alas I am not local. The conversation stopped there. I told her most of my clients are remote. I said my experience in the NYC garmento world is vast & I have excellent references. Craig’s List flagged and deleted my ad. I posted it again with my actual area code but I have no hope. Oh sure I can try placing in Portland again, but… I lost money on those goddess illustrations and they did NOT lead to more work.

I have no hope.

I’m not going back to school again either. I made the slightest moves to investigate, but let’s be real. If I cannot get regular work with my talent and efficiency in the stuff I’m already experienced in and good at, what use is the time and expense of more education. I’d only be older at the end, and I’d have to default on any loans.

It’s hard to “want nothing” when that includes all and any form of income. I had to watch a little being love I suffer today. If I had income I could’ve bought some piece of mind immediately. I myself have skin conditions that are questionable and I really wonder if I have ongoing glaucoma, but watching Henry wretch over and over is worse.

So, no concert. Today I was too tired and dispirited to:

  1. Exercise
  2. Shower
  3. Get dressed
  4. Leave my bed

Thank God it’s getting darker out earlier again anyway. And Henry kept down the rest of his morning kibble and some chicken later. Tomorrow I’ll work out again. I kind of did two days’ worth yesterday. I’ve been exercising with a sort of desperate intensity lately.

Just took a tranquilizer.

If I could descend into oblivion for months or years it’d be awfully tempting…