Maybe I’ll start teaching #hermetics…

Instead of marketing myself as a private yoga teacher. This came up in conversation when Sam was here, the fact that I could try marketing myself to locals who can afford a minimum of $75 an hour for private instruction. I’ve got 28 years of experience in yoga. And meditation! My introduction to both occurred at once, when I enrolled in two six-week intensive, college credit classes during the summer 1998 at Rivier University in NH. I wanted to get some non studio credits out of the way so I could focus even more on painting my junior year. I took Yoga, Meditation and Mysticism and The Psychology of Communication.

During my first experiences with basic, hatha yoga, the meditation was of equal importance.

I like the fact that with my introduction to yoga, there was a simultaneous introduction to experiential learning in meditation. We used the basic method outlined in Lawrence Leshan’s How to Meditate. See? I still remember the f-ing title. I’ve been recommending it ever since is why.

The class was taught by a couple in their early 70s, thereabouts, and met twice a week for 3-hours a session. During each class we sat for meditation for 20-minutes, and also did 40-minutes of very basic, democratic asana. The rest of the time we discussed our reading and writing assignments, the history and philosophy part.

It took awhile, but I did get the RISD liberal arts department to accept BOTH of my grade A credits. I got into a phone fight with the head of the department while I was still in NH. Must’ve gotten a notice of the rejection of that course in the mail… I’d done my homework though, and had checked to see that Rivier was fully accredited before I enrolled. I’d worked hard too! Taking two classes together was so intense I couldn’t work my normal menial summer job at the same time. I wanted my As, see… As part of Yoga, Meditation and Mysticism I’d vowed to do the 20-min sit and 40-min yoga every single day the entire 6-weeks of the program, while completing all the reading and writing assignments of course. This had a profound and lasting effect.

There were some total bullshit liberal arts classes at RISD, like one where you grew a plant and kept a journal of its progress for a semester. Didn’t waste my brain cells on that one but I’d heard about it and snorted. I’d slammed the phone down on the department head, after he said I “must be crazy” if I thought he was going to accept those credits. I decided to wear him down. When I got back to school in the fall, I brought all of my heavily highlighted course books and all my papers for the class tied up in a nice, little bundle with a bow. I dumped the lot on his desk and said, “You can’t tell me this isn’t as much real work as a lot of the classes you’ve got going here.

I got my way.

How might I market myself?

If I do this, I’ll still teach whatever yoga (cardio and strength training) would be appropriate to the client, but I’ll include the meditation and advise from the beginning that meditation takes priority. Five minutes is a good place to start for beginners.

Kabbalah, Magic & the Great Work of Self Transformation

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My new read

I’m still reading Initiation into Hermetics, but I’ll be in that for 2-3 years if I stick with it. It’s more like a bookshelf of encyclopedias crammed into one tomb of practical exercises than a mere book, and it’s not all that user friendly in figuring out the practical application of all the insanely difficult, mental exercises. As in the first chapter title of Kabbalah Magic, Though Only a Few Will Rise. And this is another set of practical exercises – “A COMPLETE COURSE” – though I haven’t gotten that far into it yet.

The first ritual detailed is the LBRP, which I already know. I wouldn’t include the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentegram in any yoga teaching program! It’s far (+1,000,000) more esoteric than any asana class or (the lite description) “relaxation exercise”.

My visitor

Figures that it’s suddenly much warmer and brighter outside, the last morning my friend is in town. She’s at the airport now… We had a last afternoon of sight seeing and hanging out yesterday. I’ll post some pictures once I get clearance.

I’m all into archangel Gabriel still.

Stopped by New Renaissance Bookstore yesterday for a second time. She picked up some things for the kids. I got two goldstones, specifically for working with the archangel Gabriel, and a pear candle (ditto). I’d been looking for another of the inexpensive, great light & long burning apple candle. All they had was pears. Then I revisited this site and noticed that his/her “angelic thoughtform” is a pear. All right then! They’re the same price as the apple shape and probably just as good.

1-3 Magical Schooling of the Spirit, “No Verbal Thoughts” & my own Middle Pillar


1-3 “No Verbal Thoughts”

I’ll be using the last 8-minutes of my morning sit in padmasana¹ again, while listening to Holosync, for a hermetics exercise. In this case the goal is the same as regular meditation, to keep returning the internal driste to the edges of the nostrils, and to avoid as much as possible ALL verbal thoughts. It helps me to keep my focus moving in a clockwise motion around my 3rd eye.

I’ve pretty much settled on doing my Initiation into Hermetics exercises once a day, in the morning, but then I’m working on other things & I’m doing at least a half-hour of binaural beat, seated meditation every day.

Wednesday 1/18/17

  • 1-3-1 8min at the end of a 30min seated meditation. This will be where it “goes” every morning, same as exercise 1-2. I kept score (13! my favorite number) with my mala on definite distractions. Mostly they were me congratulating myself on how well I was doing! I’d thought at first this would be redundant, but no. It’d be a miraculous leap for me to maintain this degree of focus for an entire 30-min sit, but in working on focus to this degree at the end of my sit, I think I will likely improve overall.

Thursday 1/19/17

  • 1-3-2 Last night was jam night, here. They were really quiet after 10pm, only three of ’em down there, so I could’ve done a 2nd thing, but true to form I did not. Honestly though the meditations have been so intense lately, now that I’m concentrating on the swirling “no thoughts”, not just in the 8min at the end, when I keep score on the mala.

Friday 1/20/17

  • 1-3-3 I had an amazingly deep sit today. I dressed (uncrossing oil) and lit my green & black uncrossing candle before starting. I held a black tourmaline in each jnana mudra hand.

    I’ve gotta a set up timer into intervals for my own middle pillar ritual. Had started thinking about that last night, after following along with the Regardie version mentioned in my hand written note. I figured this particular meditation would best be best done standing, because it deals with the grounding chakras in the feet, which correspond to Malkut sephirah (circle) in the tree of life.

    I’ve never done anything with foot chakras before. This ritual deals with five: crown, throat, heart, sacral and root, which in this case is located right below & includes the soles of the feet I think. This would be similar to the Sahasrara bring mostly above the crown but also including it.

    Some say the Malkhut corresponds to the Muladhara, but this doesn’t seem quite right to me, not that the function or expression isn’t similar, but that I don’t want to picture my own muladhara traveling. It stays in the taint! Would it be the Mahatala or Patala? The one page I could find with any Sanskrit names for foot chakras lists nefarious qualities for both the foot (former) and below (latter).

    I finally have a reason to use my chakra tuning forks! I’ll spend a certain amount of time on each chakra, striking the associated fork & moving it clockwise, alternated with “vibrating” whatever the traditional Hebrew word is, according to the Golden Dawn.

Saturday 1/21/17

  • 1-3-4 This seat was as jumpy and angsty as yesterday’s was deep. When I sit in a non-verbal awareness, often what’s there is profound emotion. It’s great when it’s joy… Today it was not.

pdx womens march.png

If I still lived at The Hotel (The mostly transient Ladd, right where the “SW” is of SW Jefferson St), I’d be there today & would be feeling really good about it. I’d begun taking part in NYC protests my last few years there. I wish this many people cared about getting rid of nukes and Monsanto! But anyway, ya, I’d stroll right over, because living downtown still would mean I’d found a way to make my contribution and get paid decently. I’d have succeeded and I’d belong, and this would more than lend the spirit.

Interestingly when I tried the Middle Pillar the first time, the chakra I felt it most was my sort of choked, tight throat chakra. It’s not surprising. I feel like I don’t count, like I don’t have a voice. But I know those women out there are marching for those of us who cannot, for whatever reason.

After my sit did the LBRP.

Sunday 1/22/17

  • 1-3-5 Followed up my sit & hermetics with the LBRP again. Tonight should be a NB again so maybe I’ll practice a personalized version of the Middle Pillar or I’ll just sit with the 2nd track of my Holosync.

Monday 1/23/17 

  • 1-3-6 Same practice format as yesterday, but no 2nd sit or practice last night. 11 beads. Stayed up late-ish reading my book about Cagliostro instead.

Thursday 1/26/17

  • 1-3-7 I missed TWO days of seated meditation? How did that happen? I know how! I didn’t do it first thing (after caffeination). Well I took care of it today. I got an inquiry. It could be 96 illustrations at a NYC level rate. That’d be months of work. I could make a trip to New York to visit friends! How glorious would that be? I’d have to find some way to make it a business trip & then I could stay in a cheaper hotel 2-3 nights and couch surf the rest of the time. I’d want to be there 5 nights probably…

Friday 1/27/17

  • 1-3-8 Wonder if I should just count to the 28x I’m supposed to do this exercise in 2-weeks even if it takes a month and a half? I could put off the cataloging of my negative traits & responses, as observed via dissecting my history thus far (2-1)!Here’s my notes from today’s post sit memo.This sit’s distraction was all about about inspiration. I’d been doing some project planning right before I sat down. I’d forgotten all about cricket in the snow. I have to take a look at that drawing, see if I want to work at some more detail and then lay a couple color washes down. I’m also working on that three-quarter view of Charlie for the king of cups illustration. And then I keep thinking of that cafe down shot scene. I taken some pictures for reference when I was still living downtown, and going to the sketch meet ups once in a while. I thought about the new book that I got on drawing perspective! I’d also gone through some of my pictures on my phone, and emailed them to myself and notes in the subject line about what kind of reference it’ll be. I have another down shot photos that I took on one of those Meetups, from the second floor looking down at the group.

Saturday 1/28/17

  • 1-3-9 So I’ve got at least eleven more days of this exercise, if I’m carrying on until I complete session 28 & don’t miss any more days. That’d mean I’d finish on Henry’s birthday! LinkThe rest of the links won’t work at the moment b/c I’m unsure of whether or not I’ll keep the audio files on my google drive. Probably not. 

Sunday 1/29/17

  • Missed it!

Monday 1/30/17

  • 1/3/10 Extremely restless sit. Broke seat to pick up phone & update a comment on my FB profile pix (Bael). It’s a demon & it’s a public photo & my comment made it sound like I fully intend to invoke a demonic entity, which is not necessarily the case. Servitors are safer tho probably less effective. Took a day off yesterday. I realized again how hard the 8min of Hermetics part at the end is. It’s ok to take breaks once in awhile. The Holosync alone can fuck with your head a little bit.

Tuesday 1/31/17

  • 1/3/11 Word of the day is Svadisthana. Sacral chakra. It’s been pulsating lately. I’ve thought lately that maybe I’ve moved out of the base Muladhara on a day-to-day level. Moving chakra meditation… From Svadisthana to Anahata(?) heart. To the Ajna. And then Sahasrara. Angst. Basically skipped the Hermetics part b/c I forgot to put my mala beads next to me before starting & didn’t want to break my sit.

Wednesday 2/1/17

  • Missed it!

Thursday 2/2/17

  • 1/3/12 Score = 17 beads. Super distracted again but also super intense & deep. As per 11th session, once I settled there was the buzzing in the Svadisthana. I think I missed two days! Had been bad about updating the blog but I uploaded 3 voice memos just now & it’s fine to listen & type notes at the same time. No need to link. I think I’m having a kundalini awakening, actually. It wouldn’t be so far-fetched considering what I’ve been up to since… decades ago.

Friday 2/3/17

  • 1/3/13 Solid seat today. Very steady. No grand effects of chakra buzzing back & forth though.9 beads. The dream… A distraction that popped up before the hermetics. This dream woke me up. Was packing all my stuff to leave the hovel, but I couldn’t access my bank account. Had 3 different phones. Had saved the old ones. Dug them out of a drawer & managed to find charging adaptor for each one. Had tried talking to people at the bank & they weren’t helpful, but I’d remembered some old link… It was like I was trying to find the magic door. I got sidetracked with this project and missed a flight… I had a supportive friend I was communicating with. Tom Correll? Crying. Someone telling me, It’s ok. You needed to go. You needed to go. This kind of assuaged the guilt of blowing up my career by leaving New York.

Caturday 2/4/17 I typed a ‘C’ immediately so went with it

  • Skipped it!

Sunday 2/5/17

  • 1/3/14 Only five beads today! Maybe the hangover helped. Too much whiskey last night, or maybe just enough, depending on which way you look at it. Nice, deep, steady… No chakra buzzing. Should’ve recorded the morning dreams. (I think the hermetics has been a big influence here.)

Monday 2/6/17

  • 1-3-15 OMG that was SO hard! 16 beads. First distraction was thinking I have to go print out the “Middle Piddle”, aka Middle Pillar. Did that already. Thought about Sachiel. With the reading I’ve been finishing on Cagliostro, I’ve been thinking I might incorporate some planetary magic more, though I have already to some extent. I’d written his name in my servitor notes, b/c originally he was going to be my power word. (After you say the name of the entity you’re calling 3x, you can have an additional “secret” word to say which seals the deal. Since Siva is associated with Apaaragita, I chose him. But now I’m talking to the archangels too: Raphael, Michael, Gabriel and Auriel.

Tuesday 2/7/17

  • 1-3-16 “Accidentally” started playing the more difficult (no gong time markers) Immersion track, rather than the Dive today. Sometimes iTunes gets a glitch & plays Dive for only a little bit & then skips to Immersion, and you have to restart the app to fix it. I didn’t bother checking & just went with it. I broke seat a couple times to see how much of the track was left. When it was a few seconds before 9min, the 2nd time, I picked up the “score mala” and counted down to start time (16 beads).Svadisthana again.

Wednesday 2/8/17

  • 1-3-17 Only 7 beads. Was really intense. Had vaped a few moments before. Lit one of the black taper candles, pictured above. Yoga thoughts. Was thinking of the early morning dreams a lot in the beginning of the sit, but I’ve been resisting making voice memos because then I’d need to upload, file and listen. I guess.

Thursday 2/9/17

  • 1-3-18 That was pretty shitty. 17 beads. I didn’t really try. Just found out the illustration job which could’ve saved me – which I knew was too good to be true – went to someone else with a connection to an employee. I cried. S0-much-angst. Remembered a friend of Susan’s telling me (Thanksgiving 2015, which I still lived in a public transportation zone) that the job market here is so tight, gigs are all given a way and traded through friends. Since I don’t go anywhere and have no money to hang out, there is no hope for me.

Friday 2/10/17

  • 1-3-19 Thirteen beads. Before I sat down to meditate I counted the days before my friend arrives in town. Even if I doubled-up (atypically) from this day on, I’d only get to 24. (I didn’t manage it.) I think for exercise 3 I’ll call it finished & published the morning of my guest’s arrival. I’ll move onto the soul mirror, negative qualities, after our visit. Thought a lot about Metatron’s sigil (archangel associated with Keter / Kether). Had started drawing. Now finished. Also preoccupied with what happened with the trees in front of the cauldron area. See this post.

Saturday 2/11/17

  • 1-3-20 Score is nine beads. Deep sit. Still thinking about archangels, Gabriel especially today. In the LBRP ritual, he’s the one standing behind, associated with the water element. Had the feeling of expansive angst, the inner Aaaaaarrrrrrgh! during the hermetics part.

Sunday 2/12/17

  • 1-3-21 7 beads & (I gotta tweet this) distraction early on. Thought about Archangel Gabriel, yoga, art, the Renaissance artist Raphael and whether he’d painted Gabriel (no). Thought about Justin Trudeau as a model for my Gabriel art. Apparently this angel can be either male or female.


    Perhaps a real magician / sorcerer is someone who’s fully integrated with their subconscious. I’m definitely a lot more than I was before I started this hermetics thing.

Monday 2/13/17

  • 1-3-22 21 beads! Forced to confront heavy truths today, contemplating life without a smart phone. Maybe I should pray to Gabriel in earnest now.

Tuesday 2/14/17

  • Missed it! Sat down after coffee time and found myself drafting an email and assembling a big Dropbox folder. I needed to get the ball rolling on the new project, a yoga studio logo for a smart and dedicated friend.

Wednesday 2/15/17

  • 1-3-23 I got worse toward the end of this practice, lol. 21 beads again! Mind was all over the place today. Was thinking a lot about the logo concepts. Wanna use Berhnard Fashion for one version of the text. Love that old font. So elegant. Was thinking about one of the moon treatments we want to try, for which I need to do a sketch.

    Was thinking about that Golden Dawn focused workbook recommended by Psycho Sorcerer. Am wondering how into the group I really am. Franz Bardon’s book, from which I got these exercises, is not that easy to follow (but is a similar, years long project).


    Thinking about Saraswati’s yanta, and the fact I need to print the information about her iconography and the symbolism of the yantra.








¹ Spine is straight and I’m sitting in lotus, holding jnana mudra with my hands and khechari mudra with my tongue. Never practiced the latter mudra until October 2016. I keep my eyes shut, and I’m wearing headphones to make the binaural beat technology of Holosync more effective.

Speaking of magic and reversal spells…

As previously mentioned here and here, I buried a makeshift cauldron containing a reversal spell on the last day of 2016, in a sort of “hidden” area near the northwest corner of the yard. It’s got a chain-link fence around it because it was the old puppy-run, back when Charlie bred Golden Retrievers. It’s all overgrown now… We selected our Christmas tree from there & I liked the hidden, remote feeling I got.

The old plum tree is to the right of the entrance to this little corner space. It was already leaning way over, parallel to the ground, as per this very quick color sketch.

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The snowpocalypse last month did the tree in, and not only did it crash down, but it squashed another tree too, effectively barricading off the bubbling, magic danger zone. How funny is that?

The highlighted area shows where the path used to lead to the gate opening.


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Nature say, “Keep Out!”

You can’t quite tell (from my iPhone 6 photo) just how congested the area is right in front of the gate opening, so I went around the now-more-horizontal plum tree to the right.


Going underneath the plum tree really isn’t an option either. Sure if you were desperate you could get through, but it’d be a messy struggle. The two, toppled trees are enough of a deterrent to let the magic simmer undisturbed for awhile. Eventually Charlie will chop up the trees for firewood.

Meditation & a customized “Middle Pillar” ritual

We happened to see black, beeswax, tapered candles at the food co-op the last time we were there…

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My view before yesterday’s morning sit & hermetics. The PNW is dark in the winter.

I’ve been both cursed and blessed. Sometimes even now I still look around and wonder how I got here. Of course I know! I’ve grown a tremendous amount though… pauses to think about the return to art. When I “put it down” in favor of socializing and endorphins, I always had in mind that I could return later, because fine art isn’t ageist. Of course I didn’t think about it in those terms exactly. I had no idea how things get for women past a certain age in the working world. Men too, but much less and much later.

I’d have never had a serious, intimate relationship again if I’d have stayed in NYC. I know this for 100%, gut certainty. And now? Cooking, shagging, a cat and a dog, a secluded lifestyle, daily meditation, hermetics, witchcraft… But no money. Zero earning power, and absolutely every time I’ve had my hopes raised, it’s turned out to be a false hope.

Video says I need to focus on why I want what I want. This would mainly serve as a vibrational correction for the doubt and despair of noticing its continued absence.

  1. I need to get a solid foothold in regular, well-paid illustration work because I need to earn money & art gives me the most joy.¹
  2. I’d regain some independence and purpose.
  3. I need a reason to be.
  4. It’d inspire and focus me and give me tremendous energy.

I’d gotten one bite on my latest Craig’s List Portland ad. If it’d been a real opportunity it’d have kept me busy for 3-4 months, paid a NYC worthy salary and given me a whole boatload of drive and purpose. After I’d talked to the agent I had a couple reasons to think it wouldn’t happen, but this morning I found out for sure. Some tears rolled down my cheeks during meditation.

OK then! Forget about it. Take a nap. Skip exercise if you want. Fuck it.

I’ve been working on visual notes & studying to create a personalized version of the hermetics Middle Pillar ritual… I’ll fill in some information on the correspondences (chakras, archangels, planets etc), but this is enough to do the intoning and (not pictured) the energy moving exercises. This ritual needs to be practiced standing and takes about a half hour.

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¹Not that I’m being elitist or anything! The corporations around here aren’t interested in hires over 35, no matter HOW qualified, as they’ve made abundantly clear.



1-2) Magical Schooling of the Spirit, 2) Thought Discipline #mantra #hermetics

I moved on, January 2nd, from 1-1 after an abbreviated second attempt to do things “by the book”.

Focus awareness on one thought (mental driste) while you discard / suppress other thoughts. Hmmm… “I am a well-paid, prolific Artist and Designer.” Somewhere in the middle  of the two weeks this changed to “I am a prolific, highly paid Artist and Designer.” I also pretty much accepted of myself that I’ll practice as often as I want, which is mostly just mornings, as part of my daily, seated half-hour in padmasana, meditating.

I may combine 1-3, Absence of Thoughts, some night time pranayama. Watched this clip by Psycho Sorcerer on YouTube, and I think maybe I should research the Middle Pillar ritual. It’s as involved as the LBRP (Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram). It’s kind of involved. You have to look at a lot of sources, make notes, practice pronunciations etc. It takes a little bit before you can even start practicing these things seriously.

  • Day 1, 1-2-1 √ 
    • 5min Did this first exercise in my post sit savasana. As I’ve said before, when I sit in padmasana for more than 15/20 minutes, the top foot & calf tend to go numb, from the weight of the other foot pressing on the thigh. I’d meant to grab my mala beads and “tick” off the beads for my mental mantra, but I forgot to grab them before I took my seat. So I used the alternate, finger method.
  • Day 1, 1-2-2 √ 
    • 5min Almost forgot! Used my mala beads this time. Not much to say here b/c the mind doesn’t wander so much at all. I’m including a link to a bit of dream recall. It’s an instance when I remembered a fictional element from a previous dream in a new one.
  • Day 2, 1-2-3 √ 
    • 6min Did it after my morning sit.
  • Day 2, 1-2-4
    •  6min Missed it… I did think about it but I was hiding in my room during jam night, sipping continual shots of tequila.
  • Day 3, 1-2-5 √ 
    • 8min Jumped up by 1min a day early b/c I decided to make this part of my half hour, seated meditation. There’s a certain bell that rings (within the masking sounds of Tibetan bells and rain) that let’s you know when you’re at the 22min mark. I picked up my mala beads at that point and started internally repeating my mantra. It worked excellent. You’re in pretty deep by the 22min mark, and picking up some beads does not disturb that. Therefore I will stick to 8min for the morning part of these twice daily exercises, and I hope to improve consistency in the evenings.
  • Day 3, 1-2-6 √ 
    • 7min Did it! Using the mala beads to mark reps (though I don’t count the total) is a good visual reminder. I got up to go get my phone charger in the office last night, before turning out my light, and saw the beads and remembered.
  • Day 4, 1-2-7 
    • 8min
  • Day 4, 1-2-8 
    • 8min
  • Day 5, 1-2-9
    • 9min Was planning to do the 8min, during the last part of my daily seated meditation. This is what I’d decided on! But I accidentally started the more silent, no bells or time cues track Immersion, and I didn’t notice until I was fully in! I took this as a sign I should keep my seat for the full half hour & then sit an additional 9-minutes interally reciting my mantra for this exercise. Interestingly, when I concentrated I could “hear” my voice. This is some practice for the sensory working coming… That bit’s going to be hard.I’m already bored with exercise 1-2 and want to move on. Specifically I want to get to the black & white mirror lists & get that over with. I’ll probably get to it right around my 50th birthday. Awesome! Nothing like a “reckoning”, as if I haven’t been doing enough of it the past couple years.If I have 100% consistency through day 7, I’ll consider moving to 1-3, and spending only a week there as well. What is the point of playing by all the rules if you’re the teacher? They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. This is an old hermetics thing, and of course I recognized it from the (younger) world of traditional vinyasa yoga, astanga. I used to like to say, in my last years of full-time practice, “When the student is ready, the teachers disappear.”
  • Day 5, 1-2-10
    • 9min I didn’t want to, but I remembered and did it. Putting the mala beads next to the bed (after I’m done with them in the morning) is a really good, visual cue.
  • Day 6, 1-2-11 √ 
    • 8min This was a really fidgety sit at the beginning, but boy did it get deep once I picked up my mala beads. It’s now programmed into me that the first thing I want to do in the morning, after coffee time, is Sit, and do my mantra. More here.
  • Day 6, 1-2-12
    • Missed another one! Had a little bit too good of a time last night. I’ll have to finish out the 2 weeks in that case, I guess.
  • Day 7, 1-2-13 
    • 8min
  • Day 7, 1-2-14 
    • 10min
  • Day 8, 1-2-15 
    • 8min
  • Day 8, 1-2-16
    • Willfully skipped it. This New England winter, isolated on The Hill, in the fucking snow, is NOT making me cheery. And then there was another kitchen demerit & another non placement via Creative Circle. 
  • Day 9, 1-2-17 
    • 8min Woke up morose.

      That was a hard sit today. My mind is going a dark directions, and I’m just gonna go with it. I’d prefer to stay in my office all day, honestly. Sigh sigh.anyway as soon as the blood circulation returns to my right foot and I get up off the floor again, I’m going to do the banishing ritual. I haven’t practiced that in a while, but it’s probably a good idea in light of the rehearsal magic.

  • Day 9, 1-2-18
    • Willfully skipped it. 
  • Day 10, 1-2-19 
    • Another fidgety sit. I break my seat all the time! Seated meditation is so difficult, and every time I get myself there in the morning, I think ” I should really be doing this at night too!” I’ve been trying to work on the recollection thing a little bit with the meditation, so extending the first hermetics exercise past two weeks. I think this is helping me with dream recall, and last night I dreamed I was working on a portrait in oils, the lips at the time I woke.

      My mind kept wanting to plan a yoga practice. And I was aware of a stiffness in the right thoracic.

      1. Standing & fundamentals
      2. Pinca M / upavistha konasana
      3. Pinca M / malasana
      4. Eka pada sirsa
      5. Ardha matseyendra
      6. 2nd to laghu vajrasana, EPRK, kapo B
      7. Back bending
      8. Finishing
  • Day 10, 1-2-20
    • 10min
  • Day 11, 1-2-21
    • 8min
  • Day 11, 1-2-22
  • Day 12, 1-2-23 
    • 8min Well I missed not only the evening session yesterday, but also the morning sit. I hardly ever miss that! But Charlie and I had plans to go cross country skiing up on Mount Hood, and I would’ve delayed us by 40 minutes if I had insisted on meditating. And then I was thinking maybe I’d do it in the evening, but we stopped at a brewpub in Woodstock on the way home… I think I’ll probably end up missing more than half the scheduled hermetics exercises! But whatever. It’s not like I’m in school for this, or getting graded on it.
  • Day 12, 1-2-24 
    • Skipped it even on a NB! It’d be a good idea, but I just do not like to sit at night, generally speaking.
  • Day 13, 1-2-25 
    • 8min Wow! I’m two days away from moving onto the next thing! I’m still working on the recollection bit, which is exercise 1. How do you repeatedly direct your focus but remember the thoughts that creep in? Working on this seems to help dream recall. Link
  • Day 13, 1-2-26
    • 10min skipped it! of course
  • Day 14, 1-2-27 
    • 10min Didn’t get as much sleep as I’d have liked last night, though it doesn’t matter much as I have no firm schedule here in the black hole. Henry woke me up barfing up a hairball at 5:30am. I thought about my dream for some time.I was back in NYC, and had somehow gotten into one of those low-income housing situations that in reality take 20 years on a list to accomplish. But even then I was going to have real problems paying the rent. I had a job supposedly lined up, with some professor in a school… Was in the class with a good friend (one of the ones I thought would stick with me through this phase but didn’t). I was aware she’d hooked up with him. Then he made a comment to her about the benefits. She and I were sitting on the floor, leaning against a wall. I moved closer & whispered, Did you take that job I was expecting? Yes. I grabbed my stuff, stood and left, crying all the way.The dream was basically me roaming about the city crying hysterically. There was a scene in a gym. I was just in there moping about, not exercising. But I do remember feeling that my feet knew the city SO WELL, that I could climb the steps out of a subway stop, looking down and crying, and still know the way.
    • Post meditation thoughts are here.
  • Day 14, 1-2-28
    • Skipped it, cause night time & dinner. We’d had plenty of wine & stayed up late. Watched Zombieland (he’d never seen it).
  • Day 15, 1-2-29  √
    • And I was supposed to move on today, but I forgot. No matter cause I missed so many. I wonder if I should change my numbering system to how many times I actually practice a certain exercise vs how many times I’m supposed to, according to Bardon’s instructions.Like an ass I really hurt my right knuckle, the one with all the pins in it. I was playfully punching Charlie in the chest, quite hard. Didn’t hurt at the time, but… Hurts to type is what I’m saying. I’ll have to keep this short. Memo.
  • Day 15, 1-2-30  √
    • And I did a 2nd, half-hour sit, finally using the Immersion, Holosync track! Time to post this & be done.

Writing & studying in the morning is relaxing / my latest read

On my creative slacker existence & a little on my personal artistic process

Another late start today! I did a NB¹ yesterday. Despite that I wasn’t out of bed in time to see Ch off for work. I was gathering up my stuff for coffee time (glasses, phone, laptop, snot rag) and saw him drive off in the van. I waved. Toodles! So what will the renunciate hermit occupy herself with today? I’ll sit. I’ll repeat my mantra. I’ll work on The Deck, the latest thing.

I drag my heels when it comes to the “finishing”. I don’t want to commit. It’s not as fraught with danger as it used to be, when I was in art school and would sometimes “kill” a piece. I’d be going along and the composition would be balanced and healthy, and then I’d over work, realize things had gone wrong, keep working (with increasing desperation) until it was truly dead and then continue to flog it for some time.

Now it’s different. For one I’m not doing anything for approval or validation (“winning” the group critique, the solid As I pursued so vigorously). Now that I’m older and somewhat wiser I see all of the marks as valid in a way. I’m not so much making something as I am forming a record of my observances and actions. I’m also mixing media at will. Hardly anything I do is just one media. This is very new. There are no rules! This is because nothing really matters, anyone can see…

I’m finally ok-again with really working on something. After an intense session, it’s best to put it away, and not look at it at ALL, for a week. Even just 24 hours is hugely beneficial though, if your deadline doesn’t permit such a leisurely pace.


I did make it to Powell’s yesterday, after having stopped for a vegan high school lunch at Veggie Grill and a new hoodie at Gap. I was looking for another historical, non fiction title actually, but this is about another student of Hermes Trismegestus, named and translated (saved) by the Greeks in 2 or 3rd century BC / also known as the ancient Egyptian god Thoth.

The star of our biography: Acarat, Count Cagliostro, otherwise known as Joseph Balsamo to the French, lived 1743 – 1795. Sentenced to life in prison at the end, by the good, old Inquisition. I’m pretty sure Franz Bardon got harassed by the god police at the end as well, but I haven’t found a bio of him yet.

Whatever you call him, our Count Cagliostro lead an amazing life. He seems both highly shady, and spiritually talented, in healing and other occult arts like very accurate psychic predictions. (I’m only on page 30 but I’m taking notes. When I read to study, I require physical books, as well as a pen and highlighter, lol.)

¹ no booze

A moderate temperature is SUPPOSED to be 1 of the things Portland has going for it

Not this year! It’s a good thing I kept the 22 year old Grizzly. (Wish I had the money to get new faux fur put in but I don’t.) It’s a tights under jeans kind of day. I’m actually heading downtown to do some office cleaning. Moving from NYC to Portland is the same thing as moving from a “3rd world” country to the USA. Your previous credentials are rendered irrelevant. I’m a doctor in my country.

So I started the 2nd hermetics exercise. This time I’m going to keep a log & publish it as one entry when I’m done. Makes more sense. I tacked it onto a 22min sit. Normally I sit for 30min but I’ve gotta catch the last bus 51 of the morning at 9:08. If you wait longer than that, you’re fucked, in this zone.

Oh and my replacement 20lb dumbbell finally arrived! I’m not sure if it’s exactly the same weight as the old one, but I can alternate which hand holds which weight. At least now I don’t have to hurt my hands trying to hold two 10s at the same time, and I can up my load by 10lbs in many more moves. Gonna do a late afternoon routine today.