At least I’m being proactive • 40-min #meditation

My morning routine is stabilized. I put on the coffee and feed Sir Henry, and then I internet-out while caffeinating. Today I was doing all kinds of searches… if I were able to get financial aid, what should I study? It’s gotta be something I’d love, but it’s also gotta be in a field that hires over 50s.

I didn’t major in graphic design. I’ve learned everything I need to know for my part in every industry I’ve ever worked off the cuff. Do people still say “off the cuff”? No matter. So on the one hand, while it might be a good idea to study design and design apps in a collegiate setting, the design industry is second only to tech in ageism, from what I’ve seen, read and heard.

Storyboarding was my first idea. I’d have gotten that gig with ShadowMachine if I’d known more WTF I was doing. I think this field is less ageist. However, the problem with this field of study, and the “getting out there & meeting people” that everyone recommends, is that there are no really great schools for it in Portland. I should be in Los Angeles of course. I remember looking at some online courses at Emerson, in Boston, before I left NYC. That’d be good if I were still in a city with a good income and many social circles. That is no longer the case.

I set up a profile for more information at Pacific Northwest College of Art, to have someone contact me, maybe have a chat. I could possibly go down there. It’s very close to my favorite art store, Blick. (Partly because it is & was the easiest to get to.)

Tangent! After the caffeination I sit. Then I pop in my eyeballs, write a little and start planning my day. I think it’s going to be a just yoga day, as far as exercise goes.


All you really need from yoga asana is #padmasana

40-min sit. I am trying… I had two public crying episodes yesterday though, both before work and after. When I was leaving Jake’s last night, the bartender I know was taking over his shift. I’d had empty seats on either side. I was reading and also on my phone, looking down, crying unobtrusively, a pile of crumpled bar napkins next to me. I had to look up when he asked me how I was doing. I’ve been better, was my response.

I’m down to four exercise sessions per week lately, as I’m unable to motivate myself to get out of bed early enough and hop to it on retail days, but I do still work out regularly. I started the daily sitting again. It’s a refuge, to avoid thinking and dwelling on “those thoughts”.

I started reading Reasons to Stay Alive, on the advice of my excellent and very caring Brit friend Sam. Ah yes! Of course I am depressed. I took a huge gamble when I left NYC. I should’ve started taking classes, expanding my skillset and looking for new work elsewhere the moment I was done with the India cycle. I didn’t do that. I’d been working steadily and lucratively, while freelance(!), through the worst of the bankster depression / recession. I guess I was over confident.

At the very least, when my NYC landlord was giving me a hard time in the Ladd apartment approval process, March 2015, I should’ve stopped right there. I should’ve said, OK, now’s not the time, and made them renew my lease again, which would’ve commenced the buyout process. I’d have had $20-50,000 extra dollars…

This is why I wanted to see a psychic. Will I ever be able to earn a living wage again? Pay my own rent somewhere, buy groceries, new clothes once in awhile, a vacation once in awhile? I can’t imagine it.

One of the key symptoms of depression is to see no hope. No future. Far from the tunnel having a light at the end of it, it seems like it is blocked at both ends, and you are inside it.

To other people it sometimes seems like nothing at all. You are walking around with your head on fire and no one can see the flames.


Had middle of the night insomnia again. I got up & fetched Henry from his favorite sleeping spot of late, the futon in my office. He stayed next to me until about 6:30am or so, when he got impatient for breakfast. I don’t have curtains and so the brightness wakes us both up.

I’m going to heat up some more coffee & see if there’s anything to apply to. A recruiter contacted me about Nike, which is funny. I’m going to say my rate is $48 hourly. Then I’m going to lay around reading until I decide it’s time to get some low key exercise. I will make the effort.

I still make the effort. It was hard to go into work yesterday… I didn’t have any makeup with me to try to hide the crying. But I went. I did my best.

#padmasana 22-minute #meditation #prayer

It’s been two consecutive days without exercise, but that really isn’t the main thing, which has been the strain on my mind-body. I’d say that I can’t believe I didn’t make myself ill, but sometimes I can be like a fucking tank.

Sitting with a consciously erect spine & open shoulders for 22 minutes is a great thing to do if you’ve been prone to slumping into a sort of upright, fetal.

I don’t sit and pray like I’m making a list of demands to some authority figure god, in case anyone was wondering. The meditation part is just practice at constantly returning the point of focus to the edges of my nostrils, where the breath moves in and out. I’m almost embarrassed to say that my mind mostly wanted to go to either yoga poses or what I was going to write about the sit after / things I want to keep in mind.

The prayer happens at the end, and takes about 10-seconds, when I bend forward to seal in my practice and set a closing intention, that hopefully the focus practice right before will amplify. What do I want? Fantastic and well paid creative work or assignments that I can do remotely.

I need to sit as close to every day as I can manage.


I’ve made my list of things to accomplish today, one of which will be a workout of course!!!

Blissful, adlib #restorative yoga & 22min sit #meditation

I didn’t feel like getting right on the mat for an ashtanga. My right knee held up really well for two days of HIIT, but I could feel it ever so slightly. I did a 1-hour restorative in my office, so I could plug the laptop into my speakers. I don’t have enough room in here for a serious practice, but some light stretching = yes. And then I borrowed C’s Bose & had a wonderful, though very challenging, meditation.

I don’t yet know where my headphones ended up in the move but those are better than mine anyway!

I’m totally locking Henry up in our upstairs rooms while I’m at work today!