How long is this awakening going to take anyway? #renunciate #hermit

Yes… This was not intentional, the renunciation, but it is a LOT as described in this video. NYC was the life of work and a sometimes quite extroverted hedonism, but no real, intimate relationship. PDX is the polar opposite, and I cannot go on like this forever. I don’t see any way out of it though. At least I know I’m not alone. This inability to accomplish much of anything gets pronounced after awhile.

I totally have to “do something”, but HOW? I’m still sitting here… Might not even work out today. Two rest days in a week really isn’t ideal if you spend the rest of your time inert but whatever. At least I took Henry for a walk around the house. He likes to make his “rounds” and this was the first time it was above freezing and not raining in over ten days. The Oregonian reported that this January has been the coldest in Portland since 1979. I know it’s silly to feel personally affronted, but I do.


We figured out the Julian Rexy, watercolor easel. They’d glued one of the legs together. I didn’t want to let him but Charlie took it apart and fixed it. The thing that you pull out to adjust the top end of the easel holding is really stiff. You can pull it but you have to work it side to side first, and then bits of shavings fly off. Turns out you really can’t get a good French easel for less than about $350! But I’ll keep it. This one came to me…


We checked out a totally lame bead store in Multnomah Village today. I’m obsessed with making a mala necklace for myself. It’d actually be cheaper to buy one on Etsy, but I haven’t been happy with the quality of any of my (3 so far) purchases from there. They take forever to arrive; they’re never as good as you’d hoped and they don’t last long. I should make it myself. That’s the only way you get anything decent these days, unless you’ve got a really big budget.

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Today’s reading

The Queen of Disks makes yet another appearance, and in the “advice” position, the 3rd card drawn. She’s totally “my” card, for this new phase of my life, coupled-up in a way I hadn’t been since my mid 20s.

What’s the best day, time and planetary hour for an uncrossing spell?

Hmmm… Me thinks Friday. It’s a good day, they say. Either Thursday or Friday, but tomorrow is probably worst inauguration in the history of the USA, and the moon will be in Scorpio. Perfect!

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Hmmm… maybe do my meditation at sunrise & start the uncrossing at 9:49, first hour ruled by Jupiter. Then I could work out and go downtown at 2:34. Bus 51 should finally be back in sparse service.

[EDIT UPDATE] Today I’m just going to go with the SADs

This pre-solstice span of dim lighting and hill isolation is BRUTAL for me, on The Hill. I wasn’t here last December. I still had that humongous picture window to stare out of.

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I two big “blows” that month though, not getting an offer for a branding gig at Nike and also not being entry-level enough (while having the nerve to submit “great” test projects) for Creative Coop. That’s when I knew I wasn’t going to be renting another apartment here in the “Economy of a Turnip” Portland. My salvation will HAVE to be remote freelance and fine art. It has to be. There is no other way.

I’m still working at being a real artist, not as much as I should, but I’m plugging away, albeit sporadically, in between incapacitating bouts of sadness and anxiety. I am reunited with my easel!* I hate to admit it, but I realized doing the math I only had it for a year or two before NYC circumstances separated us. It’s a miracle I have it again, even if we still need to get wheels and there’s a hell of a lot I need to get in order to really use it. That thing could handle one of those enormous canvases, say if I was working 5×9-feet or more. But the larger the materials the more expensive. I’m still using some 300lb arches watercolor paper I got either in college or by my mid 20s at the latest. I think it was $10 a sheet back then. And oils are super expensive… Bla, bla, bla.

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*I need to give credit not just to Cathy, who had to offer to intervene twice before I realized she was serious, but also to Charlie who suggested I ask for it. I’d told him about my old easel, I guess in wistful tones. I never thought to ask for it. I knew what that would mean, in terms of my mother and the inevitable freak out. Ooooh that’d be a SHIT-STORM, I said. But I went ahead an initiated anyway. Once he gave me the idea I couldn’t help myself. Save the easel!!!

It’s a monument to a lot of things in my life, youthful optimism and a belief in my own artistic talent, to name just two. I kicked some ass at RISD, even if I didn’t have a sophisticated background.

Henry’s flea induced skin problem isn’t doing ANYthing good for my mood

He was worrying the main area this morning, while I was still lying in bed, so I picked him up to examine it while my coffee was brewing and it’s really raw, red and angry looking. What do I do? Keep him in a cone 24/7? We’ll both be miserable. But when I did that overnight, after discovery, and covered the area with salve it was much less red the next day.

Decided to just spend all day holed up thinking, if I want

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10 Card – Outcome

So I’m in the 2016, Pacific Northwest version of the renunciate’s cave. I knew it. I’d never have come if I weren’t tricked*, so the universe made me believe I was coming here to live pretty much the same working, middle aged cat lady single existence (I’d been living before. I’d hoped to improve on the working situation, not to obliterate it!)

*This isn’t intended as blame on any individuals. A similar thing happened when my college BF and I were strongly considering moving to the NYC area and came down for a week in the summer, staying with his established Illustrator friend. We were at Scrap Bar when Axl Rose, at the very height of Guns and Roses fame, came in around 2am and sat at our table. When moving I was totally like, Oh ya, I’m totally making the right decision badgering my boyfriend into this. Rock stars sit with you & you get free beer!

The Hierophant says life is your teacher.  Every experience is a lesson – a learning opportunity for growth and the solid understanding that conflicts are openings for new life to take seed.  When you begin to feel oppressed by the “shoulds” and “oughts” of life – listen to your “inner” teacher.  Once all the facts have been gathered by your conscious mind, they are fed into your subconscious, which sorts, assimilates and sends back a flash of intuition – the correct analysis.  A simple good wish made for another puts divine power into action.  As your prayers rise towards God, they are transformed into benedictions which descend from above.  The search for “truth” is a prayer which is followed by illumination, consolation or grace and it always results in harmonious spiritual respiration.

Use your human situation in order to transcend your unevolved aspects.  Through intuition you become united with the Universe – you learn to hold the two opposing forces of life in balance – having recognized that you can not resolve them.  You “play the game” by understanding the rules and manners of the existing hierarchy and seeking out authorities in your field – making new allies by listening to your conscience.  Share this wisdom with others – you are a teacher.

In the tenth position: Listen to these guides of grace shedding new light in old corners.  You may view this as a new turn on an old truth or as a new pattern of truth speaking an entirely new language.  It will expand your awareness by giving you new friends to play and study with.  Pay more than usual attention to dreams, channeling, meditation, all inner resources, as well as the marvel of serendipity in everyday events.

I’m already playing pretty close attention to my dreams and daily, seated meditation.

Had a frustrated travel dream last night. If I could’ve knocked myself out at 7pm I’d have done so happily, relieved by oblivion. Instead I stayed up all night, obsessing about not having any good snacks and where I’d run away to if I could.

So in dreamland I’d flown to South Beach and met up with my friend Nako. We were supposed to rendezvous with Jane but difficulties ensued…

#meditation and #tarot

Today’s reading was spot on. I sat after. That’s a good Order of Things. Now to get ready for some art!

Amazingly while it was 57 and completely overcast when we got up this morning, it’s now sunny & will eventually get to the mid 80s in the late afternoon and early evening. That’s one big difference between the coasts! On the east coast, the hottest part of the day is always mid afternoon and that’s it. Not so, in summertime Portland. It’s best for me to get my creative work done, in my perch office upstairs, before it gets too hot. I get the sun at that time of day.

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My Significator is on the cover of the book for the Wildwood deck.
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Bow layout

Page of Cups, Knight of Disks, Knight of Wands #tarot

Simple 3-card spread for a “reading of the day”. I have to do some boring office work that I’m famous for putting off and off and off. I cannot just move it to another position in iCal! But I’m not due to start in the office until 9am :).

My interview went well yesterday. Since I’m the last person she met with I should hear from her soon. I’m grateful there are some possibilities brewing. I’m not sure what the outcome will be but there is movement.

Meditation is hard but SO good for the mindbody.

I haven’t been making “daily” but I managed a 22min sit right after the cards. And now it’s really time to get to work!

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Card 1, self: Page of Cups

Last seen in this same position on June 11th, 4th & on May 29th.

Initiators of heart.

Questions to Answer:

  1. Who depends on you emotionally?
  2. What does your intuition say to do?
  3. How can you serve others?
  4. Who offers unqualified, non-judgmental love?

Introduction: When the Page of Cups appears, it’s a signal to allow the childlike side of yourself to come forward. Like most of the Cups suit, the Page is an uplifting and encouraging sign to receive in a tarot reading. It also can indicate that someone – likely someone who is younger than you, is coming your way before long with a message for you.

General: In general, this card shows a need to play, to dream, to have a little fun. When this card appears, it sometimes means that you’ve been taking yourself far too seriously. Margot Fonteyn said “The one important thing I have learned over the years is the difference between taking one’s work seriously and taking one’s self seriously. The first is imperative and the second is disastrous.” Know the difference.

Work: Even if things have been lousy in your job for the last ten years, the appearance of this card shows that there is cause for hope and positive anticipation. No matter who you are, you have professional options. Life can change on a dime, and sometimes those changes are positive. If you’re unhappy in your current work, know that you hold the key to changing it.

This is the card of getting to know the familiarity of love all over again.

Card 2, environment: Knight of Disks

Last seen on June 22nd, 1st & May 27 in the 1st position.

On a quest for what is physical.

Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. – Buddha

Keywords: Don’t look outside for the answer to the problem, look inside to find peace. You already have everything you are looking for. Look in your own home. Do not have doubt in yourself, you are made for this and already have all the tools.

Introduction: The Knight of Pentacles points to messages, often with regard to money and finance. You are likely to finally receive news that you’ve been waiting on, and this news is likely to be good. This Knight is a very practical card. The news in question is unlikely to be that you’ve won the lottery.

General: The Knight tells us to pay attention to the mundane and normal parts of our lives. A wise man once said,  “Take care of the little things, and the big things will all fall into place.” The Knight of  Pentacles asks you to look at how you are handling your affairs, and is a grounding influence.

Questions to Answer:

  1. Who is stable and reliably there for you?
  2. Who is committed to security and conventions?
  3. How is it going at work or on a project?
  4. What needs of your body or Mother Earth are you sensitive to?

Card 3, possibilities: Knight of Wands

Last seen June 22nd in the 1st position, June 16 & May 29th in the 2nd position.

Introduction: When the Knight of Wands appears, this is a great time for travel if you can manage to get away. You should be feeling charged up, full of energy, and ready to get things done. Your self-confidence is likely to be increasing and this should help you toward your goals. It is the card of sudden solutions arriving in a flurry of inspiration.

On a quest for spirit.

Questions to Answer:

  1. How are you growing and developing? How are you taking risks?
  2. Who is radiating creative or sexual energy in your life?
  3. Who enthusiastically wants to get going on something?

General: Knights are often message bearers, and in the Wands suit, the messages are likely to be positive and related to work or career. Your projects are likely to be/have been more successful than you would have expected or predicted. You have a lot of reasons to feel pride. Savor it.

In the third position: Think well on this card for it is coming to you in one form or another.  This is the extra manpower, the added energy, the new resources, the movement that you have needed.  This increases your spiritual knowledge and your ability to retrieve and use it.

Keywords: The quest and search for power and energy, the holy flame, though not necessarily with the maturity to use it responsibly. The goal is to transform the holy flame into something constructive rather than destructive. Dark, mysterious, solitary, dramatic, shamanistic, passionate and intense.

Knight of Wands says the dynamic mastery of unlimited creative expression totally inspired from within – freed to powerfully express itself.  You are capable of doing anything – never limit yourself.  Be versatile and adaptable – strive for greater mastery over your mind, heart and body.

Expect someone to present thoughts or ideas which will be advantageous to you – inspiring your creativity and taking you in new directions.  This is the start or finish of an important situation which may require a possible change of residence.  You will feel compelled to make sudden decisions related to the important aspects of your living and working conditions – to move in new directions, to create a new beginning or venture into new fields.  Thoughts are now stirring.  You have the power to influence and transform, to heal – liberate your spirit.  As a channel for the great spirit, you become enlightened and an enlightener – transcend your personal ego.

Eagerness, action, movement, adventure and travel need a grounding influence.  Allied with a sense of purpose and aided by the influence of planning – you can provide the energy and self – confidence necessary for great achievements.  Focus your mind now – concentrate, pay attention to the details if you wish to manifest your desires.  The trials and difficulties will demand vigorous attention – conflict can arise if your plans are not made carefully.  Your mind is positive and alert now, use it constructively.

That was a difficult #meditation! Good thing I took a look in there though

I should really be doing that every day again, but 22-minutes is hard. There’s a lot of energy in there I do my best to ignore… I couldn’t do 40-min right now. No way. It’d be so torturous it’d be counter reinforcement, you know, like a relentless barrage of constant petty criticisms.

I’m going to try to sit first thing every day, just the 22-min. Good old padmasana!! It really IS the best posture for meditation, if you’re set up for it. I guess I absorbed some of the ashtanga well. I’ve been thinking about it again! That’s some samskara going.

I’d done my cards, a 3-card spread of the Mary-El, but decided not to blog it. I don’t retain anything copying & pasting anyway! Charlie asked me for help yesterday, using his deck for the first time. I looked at the cards, thought about it & realized I only remember the broadest, vaguest ideas about them, hard to put into soundbites.

I was always an excellent student but 1) I cared and 2) I took hand written notes, then I re wrote them! So ya, copying & pasting is robot mode; I won’t remember it and it takes too much time. I say as I type this. This is different. #thoughts


Took a look at the latest goddesses. They are so almost done. No problem finishing today. Half the secret in watercolor is not doing. You do a little work and then you put it away to let the perception rest.

Maybe I should start meditating again

Although the magic after effects I’d always remembered from practicing it when younger – everything going my way – have failed to occur in PDX. I can at least do it today… I might not accomplish much else.

Woke up woozy & without fingernails again. On the other hand, the first time I opened my eyes with a start, sometime shortly after the first light of day, the first thing I registered was Sir Henry, sleeping on the left side of my pillow again. Awwww…. I love that little guy SO much.

I’ll do my cards again too. #goals Gotta stick with achievable ones today.

Wildwood #tarot reading, 2

Bow layout again. The first card jumped out of the deck while I was still shuffling, and I got a reversal in spite of being careful with them. Cards are willful!

  1. The Significator: Represents both the person asking the question and the issue itself. What is the issue about?

    13 The Journey It is time to face the inevitable, to let the bones be laid bare and acknowledge the deepest aspects of your fears and desires. Do not fear change, because this is also a time of purification and realignment. A celebration of the past or an acknowledgement of the passing of one part of life may be required. Let the threads of the old slip from your fingers with joyful remembrance and enter this time of withdrawal and renewal with patience and calm.

  2. The Bow: Represents the point at which the skills of the enquirer can be focused to connect with the heart of the situation. What is your focus on the issue?

    12 The Mirror, reversed Tho there doesn’t seem to be any reversal indications in the book for this deck. A surrender of will is required. Insights may come from dreams and meditations but now is not the time to force the pace or drive on with a plan or desire until you have heard what your soul has to say. Patience & prudence are the keywords here.

  3. The Conscious Limb: Represents the individual consciousness or analytical process at work. What do you think about the situation?

    Knight of Bows, Fox  Determination leads you to success but sometimes at personal cost. Your life may change or enter a different path at any moment.

  4. The Spiritual Limb: Represents the emotional or spiritual elements present in the reading. What do you feel about the situation?

    Queen of Bows, Hare A companion through life, sympathetic and understanding, leading you to a deeper awareness of what is needed to bring success to your every enterprise. There’s definitely more to say with these cards but I’m trying not to take all day on tarot.

  5. The String: Represents the energy or momentum of the situation. What drives the issue

    King of Bows, Adder Maturity, strength of resolve, energy and wisdom. Setting a distinctive / creative stamp on things.

  6. The Fletchings: Represents the point of balance, enabling the energy of the reader to interact with the energy of the reading. What guides the solution?

    Ten of Arrows, Instruction Book says nothing much, but I immediately thought of my childhood dreams of hanging out with – and getting instructions from –  Leonardo Da Vinci when I saw this card. Arrows is the air suit in this deck, which is traditionally Swords. It essentially means be careful who you trust and don’t give up if things don’t come through. It’s not what you’d call an upbeat card.

  7. The Arrowhead: Represents the personal intent of the reader which, aimed at the problem, becomes a powerful means by which they can come to terms with the issue at hand. What is the outcome?

    Nine of Arrows, Dedication Another “Sword” card then! All right-y! The inner oath helps keep one on a balanced footing by dedicating skills to a greater good.

    Introduction: The 9 of Swords is often a card about anxiety and fear. Look closely at what you are worried about. Try not to blame people or situations for how you are feeling. Pay attention to your breathing; this helps with a feeling of calmness.General: You will need to guard against a feeling of anxiety. If you are feeling anxious, take a good look at whether or not any of that is under your own power or control (and thus, you could lessen it) or if other things or people in your life are contributing to this anxiety. There’s something about this time period that can cause people to feel like their life should be, in some way, “more” or “bigger” than it is. Try to take comfort and joy in the ordinary things. That’s where the beauty is.

Seems about right for a daily sort of reading. I DO feel a sort of free-floating anxiety today… No denying it. I woke up like that. OK so I’m gonna set up to work now. It’s a watercolor day.