How long is this awakening going to take anyway? #renunciate #hermit

Yes… This was not intentional, the renunciation, but it is a LOT as described in this video. NYC was the life of work and a sometimes quite extroverted hedonism, but no real, intimate relationship. PDX is the polar opposite, and I cannot go on like this forever. I don’t see any way out of it though. At least I know I’m not alone. This inability to accomplish much of anything gets pronounced after awhile.

I totally have to “do something”, but HOW? I’m still sitting here… Might not even work out today. Two rest days in a week really isn’t ideal if you spend the rest of your time inert but whatever. At least I took Henry for a walk around the house. He likes to make his “rounds” and this was the first time it was above freezing and not raining in over ten days. The Oregonian reported that this January has been the coldest in Portland since 1979. I know it’s silly to feel personally affronted, but I do.


We figured out the Julian Rexy, watercolor easel. They’d glued one of the legs together. I didn’t want to let him but Charlie took it apart and fixed it. The thing that you pull out to adjust the top end of the easel holding is really stiff. You can pull it but you have to work it side to side first, and then bits of shavings fly off. Turns out you really can’t get a good French easel for less than about $350! But I’ll keep it. This one came to me…


We checked out a totally lame bead store in Multnomah Village today. I’m obsessed with making a mala necklace for myself. It’d actually be cheaper to buy one on Etsy, but I haven’t been happy with the quality of any of my (3 so far) purchases from there. They take forever to arrive; they’re never as good as you’d hoped and they don’t last long. I should make it myself. That’s the only way you get anything decent these days, unless you’ve got a really big budget.

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Today’s reading

The Queen of Disks makes yet another appearance, and in the “advice” position, the 3rd card drawn. She’s totally “my” card, for this new phase of my life, coupled-up in a way I hadn’t been since my mid 20s.

What’s the best day, time and planetary hour for an uncrossing spell?

Hmmm… Me thinks Friday. It’s a good day, they say. Either Thursday or Friday, but tomorrow is probably worst inauguration in the history of the USA, and the moon will be in Scorpio. Perfect!

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Hmmm… maybe do my meditation at sunrise & start the uncrossing at 9:49, first hour ruled by Jupiter. Then I could work out and go downtown at 2:34. Bus 51 should finally be back in sparse service.

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Body image, depression and a balanced approach to exercise

I can relate to a lot of this… Unlike Christine, I unfortunately don’t have access to a gym or heavy weights.

I can totally relate when she talks about wanting to get back to a certain leanness that she first achieved somewhat effortlessly when starting on a raw food diet. I experienced the same kind of thing when I launched on the India cycle, winter 2006. (India screwed both of us up but in different weight directions!) Sometime after 2010 I hit the ashtanga plateau, compounded by the fact that I couldn’t find a local teacher and then I also stopped going to India. I aged past 43-45, the perimenopausal window of hormonally induced belly fat. I’ve been unhappy with my weight for 4 or 5 years now.

Recently I’ve been loving the new crazy-intense workouts on Fit Body by Julia, but I cannot do them every day like she can. She’s got a few kids, but depending on when she started might even still be in her late 20s, probably with a much healthier lifestyle than mine overall. I’m way less addicted to this idea of an exercise regimen than I used to be in the days of The Cult, when missing days brought a whole lot of culturally supported guilt, but I still get a little worried about it. Now that I’m on The Hill, I’m almost entirely inactive when I’m not working out. I also won’t even bother to shower or even get dressed most of the time if I don’t exercise. I just lie here and read. That’s it.

But then I can’t seem to restrain myself from really blowing it out of the water when I do. Then I’m sore the next day and can’t seem to step up to the plate if I don’t feel I’ll be able to generate a certain level of intensity. Today I was thinking maybe to do just 15min of a HIIT and then some low key yoga, but…


None of this is of end of the world import. It wouldn’t be a tragedy if I settled into an every-other-day plan. I’d just like to be more balanced in my approach, but I guess today I will lie in bed, think about exercise and write about exercise rather than do any.

And I thought I was fit! INSANE #pyramid workout

I’ve found a new YouTube trainer! I practically spent all day in bed yesterday. Again. This time the depression was augmented with physical symptoms, first a stomach ache (increasing in frequency) & then a headache. I scrounged a couple tums & that helped the stomach ache, but then I got the headache (VERY regular). I had to wait until I ate again to take any ibuprofren, especially right on the tail of an upset stomach.

Tried making an organic brownie mix veganized. I’ve never heard anyone say the Follow Your Heart vegan egg smells like shit, and I’ve watched several video reviews! It’s so gross. I’d never try making an omelet with that shit. The brownies took forever to cook and were only so-so, but I took a couple advil and when that didn’t work, a tranquilizer.

Today there’s nothing leftover that’s exciting to eat and we don’t have any special plans together for the holiday weekend, so I guess I’m making the heinous half hour trek down sidewalk-less Dosch Road to take myself out for lunch. I’d attempted to order some vegan goodies from Amazon to have on hand, and that got returned as undeliverable. Every so often a new driver can’t find the address, on the top of a dead-end drive. So I’ll think of my lunch as a replacement.

I need something super yummy to cheer me up and I desperately need to get out of the house.

I think I’m going to go eat a fucking murdered cow cheeseburger and have a vodka martini.

Anyway… I hadn’t had any wine or beer Saturday and I didn’t have much at all Friday, so… I need to do something nice & reaffirming for myself, whether or not it’s practical. And I did get up early today & had a KILLER workout.

I’ve found a new YouTube trainer. I was watching this last night, as the tranquilizer was kicking in, thinking it looked insane. For the first time I can remember I was wondering if I could even do it. Yes! I left off the vest though!!! This woman is a fucking machine. There are a million, billion push-ups in this pyramid.

It was a good one to do on such a cold day. No problem with this type of workout to start out & finish wearing a substantial, long sleeve shirt.

Vacation HIIT Pyramid and You vs You

The set took me a total of about 75min. There’s a moment in the middle she tells you to pause for a couple minutes for a break, and then I lost power and had to run upstairs for my cord. I added some jogging stairs!

Closed with about 15min easy stretch.

  • I haven’t done an over 700 burn in awhile! I must be nervous about losing my exercise spot downstairs. Guesstimate is 3 weeks but I’m betting it’ll be 6. I might move my office futon into my bedroom and work out upstairs. It’d be the neatest space and I’ve got my speakers up here.
  • I did much better on the pistol squats that I’d have thought! No props.

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