1-3 “No Verbal Thoughts”
I’ll be using the last 8-minutes of my morning sit in padmasana¹ again, while listening to Holosync, for a hermetics exercise. In this case the goal is the same as regular meditation, to keep returning the internal driste to the edges of the nostrils, and to avoid as much as possible ALL verbal thoughts. It helps me to keep my focus moving in a clockwise motion around my 3rd eye.
I’ve pretty much settled on doing my Initiation into Hermetics exercises once a day, in the morning, but then I’m working on other things & I’m doing at least a half-hour of binaural beat, seated meditation every day.
- 1-3-1 8min at the end of a 30min seated meditation. This will be where it “goes” every morning, same as exercise 1-2. I kept score (13! my favorite number) with my mala on definite distractions. Mostly they were me congratulating myself on how well I was doing! I’d thought at first this would be redundant, but no. It’d be a miraculous leap for me to maintain this degree of focus for an entire 30-min sit, but in working on focus to this degree at the end of my sit, I think I will likely improve overall.
- 1-3-2 Last night was jam night, here. They were really quiet after 10pm, only three of ’em down there, so I could’ve done a 2nd thing, but true to form I did not. Honestly though the meditations have been so intense lately, now that I’m concentrating on the swirling “no thoughts”, not just in the 8min at the end, when I keep score on the mala.
- 1-3-3 I had an amazingly deep sit today. I dressed (uncrossing oil) and lit my green & black uncrossing candle before starting. I held a black tourmaline in each jnana mudra hand.
I’ve gotta a set up timer into intervals for my own middle pillar ritual. Had started thinking about that last night, after following along with the Regardie version mentioned in my hand written note. I figured this particular meditation would best be best done standing, because it deals with the grounding chakras in the feet, which correspond to Malkut sephirah (circle) in the tree of life.
I’ve never done anything with foot chakras before. This ritual deals with five: crown, throat, heart, sacral and root, which in this case is located right below & includes the soles of the feet I think. This would be similar to the Sahasrara bring mostly above the crown but also including it.
Some say the Malkhut corresponds to the Muladhara, but this doesn’t seem quite right to me, not that the function or expression isn’t similar, but that I don’t want to picture my own muladhara traveling. It stays in the taint! Would it be the Mahatala or Patala? The one page I could find with any Sanskrit names for foot chakras lists nefarious qualities for both the foot (former) and below (latter).
I finally have a reason to use my chakra tuning forks! I’ll spend a certain amount of time on each chakra, striking the associated fork & moving it clockwise, alternated with “vibrating” whatever the traditional Hebrew word is, according to the Golden Dawn.
- 1-3-4 This seat was as jumpy and angsty as yesterday’s was deep. When I sit in a non-verbal awareness, often what’s there is profound emotion. It’s great when it’s joy… Today it was not.
If I still lived at The Hotel (The mostly transient Ladd, right where the “SW” is of SW Jefferson St), I’d be there today & would be feeling really good about it. I’d begun taking part in NYC protests my last few years there. I wish this many people cared about getting rid of nukes and Monsanto! But anyway, ya, I’d stroll right over, because living downtown still would mean I’d found a way to make my contribution and get paid decently. I’d have succeeded and I’d belong, and this would more than lend the spirit.
Interestingly when I tried the Middle Pillar the first time, the chakra I felt it most was my sort of choked, tight throat chakra. It’s not surprising. I feel like I don’t count, like I don’t have a voice. But I know those women out there are marching for those of us who cannot, for whatever reason.
After my sit did the LBRP.
- 1-3-5 Followed up my sit & hermetics with the LBRP again. Tonight should be a NB again so maybe I’ll practice a personalized version of the Middle Pillar or I’ll just sit with the 2nd track of my Holosync.
- 1-3-6 Same practice format as yesterday, but no 2nd sit or practice last night. 11 beads. Stayed up late-ish reading my book about Cagliostro instead.
- 1-3-7 I missed TWO days of seated meditation? How did that happen? I know how! I didn’t do it first thing (after caffeination). Well I took care of it today. I got an inquiry. It could be 96 illustrations at a NYC level rate. That’d be months of work. I could make a trip to New York to visit friends! How glorious would that be? I’d have to find some way to make it a business trip & then I could stay in a cheaper hotel 2-3 nights and couch surf the rest of the time. I’d want to be there 5 nights probably…
- 1-3-8 Wonder if I should just count to the 28x I’m supposed to do this exercise in 2-weeks even if it takes a month and a half? I could put off the cataloging of my negative traits & responses, as observed via dissecting my history thus far (2-1)!Here’s my notes from today’s post sit memo.This sit’s distraction was all about about inspiration. I’d been doing some project planning right before I sat down. I’d forgotten all about cricket in the snow. I have to take a look at that drawing, see if I want to work at some more detail and then lay a couple color washes down. I’m also working on that three-quarter view of Charlie for the king of cups illustration. And then I keep thinking of that cafe down shot scene. I taken some pictures for reference when I was still living downtown, and going to the sketch meet ups once in a while. I thought about the new book that I got on drawing perspective! I’d also gone through some of my pictures on my phone, and emailed them to myself and notes in the subject line about what kind of reference it’ll be. I have another down shot photos that I took on one of those Meetups, from the second floor looking down at the group.
- 1-3-9 So I’ve got at least eleven more days of this exercise, if I’m carrying on until I complete session 28 & don’t miss any more days. That’d mean I’d finish on Henry’s birthday! Link. The rest of the links won’t work at the moment b/c I’m unsure of whether or not I’ll keep the audio files on my google drive. Probably not.
- 1/3/10 Extremely restless sit. Broke seat to pick up phone & update a comment on my FB profile pix (Bael). It’s a demon & it’s a public photo & my comment made it sound like I fully intend to invoke a demonic entity, which is not necessarily the case. Servitors are safer tho probably less effective. Took a day off yesterday. I realized again how hard the 8min of Hermetics part at the end is. It’s ok to take breaks once in awhile. The Holosync alone can fuck with your head a little bit.
- 1/3/11 Word of the day is Svadisthana. Sacral chakra. It’s been pulsating lately. I’ve thought lately that maybe I’ve moved out of the base Muladhara on a day-to-day level. Moving chakra meditation… From Svadisthana to Anahata(?) heart. To the Ajna. And then Sahasrara. Angst. Basically skipped the Hermetics part b/c I forgot to put my mala beads next to me before starting & didn’t want to break my sit.
- 1/3/12 Score = 17 beads. Super distracted again but also super intense & deep. As per 11th session, once I settled there was the buzzing in the Svadisthana. I think I missed two days! Had been bad about updating the blog but I uploaded 3 voice memos just now & it’s fine to listen & type notes at the same time. No need to link. I think I’m having a kundalini awakening, actually. It wouldn’t be so far-fetched considering what I’ve been up to since… decades ago.
- 1/3/13 Solid seat today. Very steady. No grand effects of chakra buzzing back & forth though.9 beads. The dream… A distraction that popped up before the hermetics. This dream woke me up. Was packing all my stuff to leave the hovel, but I couldn’t access my bank account. Had 3 different phones. Had saved the old ones. Dug them out of a drawer & managed to find charging adaptor for each one. Had tried talking to people at the bank & they weren’t helpful, but I’d remembered some old link… It was like I was trying to find the magic door. I got sidetracked with this project and missed a flight… I had a supportive friend I was communicating with. Tom Correll? Crying. Someone telling me, It’s ok. You needed to go. You needed to go. This kind of assuaged the guilt of blowing up my career by leaving New York.
Caturday 2/4/17 I typed a ‘C’ immediately so went with it
- 1/3/14 Only five beads today! Maybe the hangover helped. Too much whiskey last night, or maybe just enough, depending on which way you look at it. Nice, deep, steady… No chakra buzzing. Should’ve recorded the morning dreams. (I think the hermetics has been a big influence here.)
- 1-3-15 OMG that was SO hard! 16 beads. First distraction was thinking I have to go print out the “Middle Piddle”, aka Middle Pillar. Did that already. Thought about Sachiel. With the reading I’ve been finishing on Cagliostro, I’ve been thinking I might incorporate some planetary magic more, though I have already to some extent. I’d written his name in my servitor notes, b/c originally he was going to be my power word. (After you say the name of the entity you’re calling 3x, you can have an additional “secret” word to say which seals the deal. Since Siva is associated with Apaaragita, I chose him. But now I’m talking to the archangels too: Raphael, Michael, Gabriel and Auriel.
- 1-3-16 “Accidentally” started playing the more difficult (no gong time markers) Immersion track, rather than the Dive today. Sometimes iTunes gets a glitch & plays Dive for only a little bit & then skips to Immersion, and you have to restart the app to fix it. I didn’t bother checking & just went with it. I broke seat a couple times to see how much of the track was left. When it was a few seconds before 9min, the 2nd time, I picked up the “score mala” and counted down to start time (16 beads).Svadisthana again.
- 1-3-17 Only 7 beads. Was really intense. Had vaped a few moments before. Lit one of the black taper candles, pictured above. Yoga thoughts. Was thinking of the early morning dreams a lot in the beginning of the sit, but I’ve been resisting making voice memos because then I’d need to upload, file and listen. I guess.
- 1-3-18 That was pretty shitty. 17 beads. I didn’t really try. Just found out the illustration job which could’ve saved me – which I knew was too good to be true – went to someone else with a connection to an employee. I cried. S0-much-angst. Remembered a friend of Susan’s telling me (Thanksgiving 2015, which I still lived in a public transportation zone) that the job market here is so tight, gigs are all given a way and traded through friends. Since I don’t go anywhere and have no money to hang out, there is no hope for me.
- 1-3-19 Thirteen beads. Before I sat down to meditate I counted the days before my friend arrives in town. Even if I doubled-up (atypically) from this day on, I’d only get to 24. (I didn’t manage it.) I think for exercise 3 I’ll call it finished & published the morning of my guest’s arrival. I’ll move onto the soul mirror, negative qualities, after our visit. Thought a lot about Metatron’s sigil (archangel associated with Keter / Kether). Had started drawing. Now finished. Also preoccupied with what happened with the trees in front of the cauldron area. See this post.
- 1-3-20 Score is nine beads. Deep sit. Still thinking about archangels, Gabriel especially today. In the LBRP ritual, he’s the one standing behind, associated with the water element. Had the feeling of expansive angst, the inner Aaaaaarrrrrrgh! during the hermetics part.
- 1-3-22 21 beads! Forced to confront heavy truths today, contemplating life without a smart phone. Maybe I should pray to Gabriel in earnest now.
- Missed it! Sat down after coffee time and found myself drafting an email and assembling a big Dropbox folder. I needed to get the ball rolling on the new project, a yoga studio logo for a smart and dedicated friend.
- 1-3-23 I got worse toward the end of this practice, lol. 21 beads again! Mind was all over the place today. Was thinking a lot about the logo concepts. Wanna use Berhnard Fashion for one version of the text. Love that old font. So elegant. Was thinking about one of the moon treatments we want to try, for which I need to do a sketch.
Was thinking about that Golden Dawn focused workbook recommended by Psycho Sorcerer. Am wondering how into the group I really am. Franz Bardon’s book, from which I got these exercises, is not that easy to follow (but is a similar, years long project).
Thinking about Saraswati’s yanta, and the fact I need to print the information about her iconography and the symbolism of the yantra.
¹ Spine is straight and I’m sitting in lotus, holding jnana mudra with my hands and khechari mudra with my tongue. Never practiced the latter mudra until October 2016. I keep my eyes shut, and I’m wearing headphones to make the binaural beat technology of Holosync more effective.
I moved on, January 2nd, from 1-1 after an abbreviated second attempt to do things “by the book”.
Focus awareness on one thought (mental driste) while you discard / suppress other thoughts. Hmmm… “I am a well-paid, prolific Artist and Designer.” Somewhere in the middle of the two weeks this changed to “I am a prolific, highly paid Artist and Designer.” I also pretty much accepted of myself that I’ll practice as often as I want, which is mostly just mornings, as part of my daily, seated half-hour in padmasana, meditating.
I may combine 1-3, Absence of Thoughts, some night time pranayama. Watched this clip by Psycho Sorcerer on YouTube, and I think maybe
I should research the Middle Pillar ritual. It’s as involved as the LBRP (Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram). It’s kind of involved. You have to look at a lot of sources, make notes, practice pronunciations etc. It takes a little bit before you can even start practicing these things seriously.
- Day 1, 1-2-1 √
- 5min Did this first exercise in my post sit savasana. As I’ve said before, when I sit in padmasana for more than 15/20 minutes, the top foot & calf tend to go numb, from the weight of the other foot pressing on the thigh. I’d meant to grab my mala beads and “tick” off the beads for my mental mantra, but I forgot to grab them before I took my seat. So I used the alternate, finger method.
- Day 1, 1-2-2 √
- 5min Almost forgot! Used my mala beads this time. Not much to say here b/c the mind doesn’t wander so much at all. I’m including a link to a bit of dream recall. It’s an instance when I remembered a fictional element from a previous dream in a new one.
- Day 2, 1-2-3 √
- 6min Did it after my morning sit.
- Day 2, 1-2-4
- 6min Missed it… I did think about it but I was hiding in my room during jam night, sipping continual shots of tequila.
- Day 3, 1-2-5 √
- 8min Jumped up by 1min a day early b/c I decided to make this part of my half hour, seated meditation. There’s a certain bell that rings (within the masking sounds of Tibetan bells and rain) that let’s you know when you’re at the 22min mark. I picked up my mala beads at that point and started internally repeating my mantra. It worked excellent. You’re in pretty deep by the 22min mark, and picking up some beads does not disturb that. Therefore I will stick to 8min for the morning part of these twice daily exercises, and I hope to improve consistency in the evenings.
- Day 3, 1-2-6 √
- 7min Did it! Using the mala beads to mark reps (though I don’t count the total) is a good visual reminder. I got up to go get my phone charger in the office last night, before turning out my light, and saw the beads and remembered.
- Day 4, 1-2-7 √
- Day 4, 1-2-8 √
- Day 5, 1-2-9
- 9min Was planning to do the 8min, during the last part of my daily seated meditation. This is what I’d decided on! But I accidentally started the more silent, no bells or time cues track Immersion, and I didn’t notice until I was fully in! I took this as a sign I should keep my seat for the full half hour & then sit an additional 9-minutes interally reciting my mantra for this exercise. Interestingly, when I concentrated I could “hear” my voice. This is some practice for the sensory working coming… That bit’s going to be hard.I’m already bored with exercise 1-2 and want to move on. Specifically I want to get to the black & white mirror lists & get that over with. I’ll probably get to it right around my 50th birthday. Awesome! Nothing like a “reckoning”, as if I haven’t been doing enough of it the past couple years.If I have 100% consistency through day 7, I’ll consider moving to 1-3, and spending only a week there as well. What is the point of playing by all the rules if you’re the teacher? They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. This is an old hermetics thing, and of course I recognized it from the (younger) world of traditional vinyasa yoga, astanga. I used to like to say, in my last years of full-time practice, “When the student is ready, the teachers disappear.”
- Day 5, 1-2-10
- 9min I didn’t want to, but I remembered and did it. Putting the mala beads next to the bed (after I’m done with them in the morning) is a really good, visual cue.
- Day 6, 1-2-11 √
- 8min This was a really fidgety sit at the beginning, but boy did it get deep once I picked up my mala beads. It’s now programmed into me that the first thing I want to do in the morning, after coffee time, is Sit, and do my mantra. More here.
- Day 6, 1-2-12
- Missed another one! Had a little bit too good of a time last night. I’ll have to finish out the 2 weeks in that case, I guess.
- Day 7, 1-2-13 √
- Day 7, 1-2-14 √
- Day 8, 1-2-15 √
- Day 8, 1-2-16
- Willfully skipped it. This New England winter, isolated on The Hill, in the fucking snow, is NOT making me cheery. And then there was another kitchen demerit & another non placement via Creative Circle.
- Day 9, 1-2-17 √
- 8min Woke up morose.
That was a hard sit today. My mind is going a dark directions, and I’m just gonna go with it. I’d prefer to stay in my office all day, honestly. Sigh sigh.anyway as soon as the blood circulation returns to my right foot and I get up off the floor again, I’m going to do the banishing ritual. I haven’t practiced that in a while, but it’s probably a good idea in light of the rehearsal magic.
- Day 9, 1-2-18
- Day 10, 1-2-19 √
Another fidgety sit. I break my seat all the time! Seated meditation is so difficult, and every time I get myself there in the morning, I think ” I should really be doing this at night too!” I’ve been trying to work on the recollection thing a little bit with the meditation, so extending the first hermetics exercise past two weeks. I think this is helping me with dream recall, and last night I dreamed I was working on a portrait in oils, the lips at the time I woke.
My mind kept wanting to plan a yoga practice. And I was aware of a stiffness in the right thoracic.
- Standing & fundamentals
- Pinca M / upavistha konasana
- Pinca M / malasana
- Eka pada sirsa
- Ardha matseyendra
- 2nd to laghu vajrasana, EPRK, kapo B
- Back bending
- Day 10, 1-2-20
- Day 11, 1-2-21
- Day 11, 1-2-22
- Day 12, 1-2-23 √
- 8min Well I missed not only the evening session yesterday, but also the morning sit. I hardly ever miss that! But Charlie and I had plans to go cross country skiing up on Mount Hood, and I would’ve delayed us by 40 minutes if I had insisted on meditating. And then I was thinking maybe I’d do it in the evening, but we stopped at a brewpub in Woodstock on the way home… I think I’ll probably end up missing more than half the scheduled hermetics exercises! But whatever. It’s not like I’m in school for this, or getting graded on it.
- Day 12, 1-2-24
- Skipped it even on a NB! It’d be a good idea, but I just do not like to sit at night, generally speaking.
- Day 13, 1-2-25 √
- 8min Wow! I’m two days away from moving onto the next thing! I’m still working on the recollection bit, which is exercise 1. How do you repeatedly direct your focus but remember the thoughts that creep in? Working on this seems to help dream recall. Link
- Day 13, 1-2-26
- 10min skipped it! of course
- Day 14, 1-2-27 √
- 10min Didn’t get as much sleep as I’d have liked last night, though it doesn’t matter much as I have no firm schedule here in the black hole. Henry woke me up barfing up a hairball at 5:30am. I thought about my dream for some time.I was back in NYC, and had somehow gotten into one of those low-income housing situations that in reality take 20 years on a list to accomplish. But even then I was going to have real problems paying the rent. I had a job supposedly lined up, with some professor in a school… Was in the class with a good friend (one of the ones I thought would stick with me through this phase but didn’t). I was aware she’d hooked up with him. Then he made a comment to her about the benefits. She and I were sitting on the floor, leaning against a wall. I moved closer & whispered, Did you take that job I was expecting? Yes. I grabbed my stuff, stood and left, crying all the way.The dream was basically me roaming about the city crying hysterically. There was a scene in a gym. I was just in there moping about, not exercising. But I do remember feeling that my feet knew the city SO WELL, that I could climb the steps out of a subway stop, looking down and crying, and still know the way.
- Post meditation thoughts are here.
- Day 14, 1-2-28
- Skipped it, cause night time & dinner. We’d had plenty of wine & stayed up late. Watched Zombieland (he’d never seen it).
- Day 15, 1-2-29 √
- And I was supposed to move on today, but I forgot. No matter cause I missed so many. I wonder if I should change my numbering system to how many times I actually practice a certain exercise vs how many times I’m supposed to, according to Bardon’s instructions.Like an ass I really hurt my right knuckle, the one with all the pins in it. I was playfully punching Charlie in the chest, quite hard. Didn’t hurt at the time, but… Hurts to type is what I’m saying. I’ll have to keep this short. Memo.
- Day 15, 1-2-30 √
- And I did a 2nd, half-hour sit, finally using the Immersion, Holosync track! Time to post this & be done.
Not this year! It’s a good thing I kept the 22 year old Grizzly. (Wish I had the money to get new faux fur put in but I don’t.) It’s a tights under jeans kind of day. I’m actually heading downtown to do some office cleaning. Moving from NYC to Portland is the same thing as moving from a “3rd world” country to the USA. Your previous credentials are rendered irrelevant. I’m a doctor in my country.
So I started the 2nd hermetics exercise. This time I’m going to keep a log & publish it as one entry when I’m done. Makes more sense. I tacked it onto a 22min sit. Normally I sit for 30min but I’ve gotta catch the last bus 51 of the morning at 9:08. If you wait longer than that, you’re fucked, in this zone.
Oh and my replacement 20lb dumbbell finally arrived! I’m not sure if it’s exactly the same weight as the old one, but I can alternate which hand holds which weight. At least now I don’t have to hurt my hands trying to hold two 10s at the same time, and I can up my load by 10lbs in many more moves. Gonna do a late afternoon routine today.
Fruity is the opposite of fruitless
I’ve read up through the first chapter of practical exercises. I have a background in yoga, self reflection via journaling and formal, seated meditation. Therefore I am doing each exercise the two weeks recommended for the somewhat experienced. Exercise 1 will take me to Christmas! That’s funny.
I finished that chapter around mid November but I was waiting to get my servitor going before starting another thing in addition to everything else. There’s the daily, seated meditation. I also had to practice a banishing ritual a bunch of times, among other things. One can only spend so much time per day engaged in such fruity endeavors.
There are 10 exercises in Step 1, so that’s 20 weeks, assuming I’m 100% committed and don’t drop the ball at any point. [Totally dropped the ball! I made it 2.5 days only. I knew the night time exercises would be the problem. That doesn’t go along with the Portland slacker lifestyle, anything involving thought & discipline in the evening. Nevertheless I will try again.]
1. Magical Schooling of the Spirit
- Bardon calls it “control”, but it’s really just observing. You start with 5min twice a day, adding 1min to each session until you’re at 10min twice. Whatever position you choose your spine should be straight. Since I practice a formal meditation I lie down for this one. You’re supposed to observe your thoughts and see what you can remember after. That’s it. The thing with me is I’m already pretty good at returning the thoughts to my chosen, internal driste when I’m practicing, paying attention. I’ve quickly figured out with this exercise that I can limit my note taking or struggling to remember by limiting my verbal thoughts.
- Day 1, 1-1-1
My left foot was numb. That was the foot that was on top in padmasana. It always falls asleep. Whatever foot’s on top. Because of the weight of the other foot pressing on the inner thigh. It happens after about 20 minutes. This exercise followed my 30 minutes seated meditation. Sick! Kept wanting to open my eyes & fidgeted a lot. Was thinking about putting my contacts in & doing a face mask. Can I exercise today? I’ll have to see.
Day 1, 1-1-2
Toenail clippings are better than fingernail clippings for magic. My cat, Henry, who is near me. Thinking about that movie jungle book the orange flower, which is fire. Feeling sick.
- Day 2, 1-1-3
Six minutes is a long time. I have to pee. Thinking about the glob of mucus I coughed up this morning. It was disgusting. “Return to sender”. If the transfer of this illness was it all intentional, I want to send it back threefold. Crows. I need to try to exercise later.
- Day 2, 1-1-4
My mind is very still. Listening. Listening to Henry he’s grooming. Chicken. I thought about the chicken he demanded last night it was fun. My pimple. Yes I thought of that too. That’s really about it for six minutes
- Day 3, 1-1-5
Sick. My throat hurts. My head hurts. Alcohol and colds. I have organized and lying in bed. Thought about trying to get Charlie to do the stupid exercise with me. Now we’re not doing anything special for the holiday, but that I guess that’s OK since I’m sick. Disgusting.
- Day 3, 1-1-6
I’m in to the congestion phase of my cold. I’m having trouble breathing through my nose. I’ll have to try to sleep propped up on two pillows tonight. Henry kept interrupting exercise, wanting to play. The sea bout the chicken dinner we made tonight. That’s pretty much it.
- Day 4, 1-1-7 (8 min now)
Mouth breathing. I just blown my nose. I still need to meditate today. I need to light the reversal candle. Imagining my skeleton, my head and muscles, and the congestion in my neck and around my ears. Thinking about bodyrock. I do want to exercise today. The rest of the time I’m basically lying here motionless.
- Day 4, 1-1-8
Rehearsal time! I’m losing my voice now. I just noticed. Anyway wasn’t even to this at all. Eight minutes seems like a long time night, when you’re really sick. But I went upstairs and came up here at 7:30 PM and I’m still awake. And I had practically a whole syringe of Candace will tonight. This was after A bottle of excellent red wine with Charlie over leftovers. We had a nice meal today, but I was really too sick to enjoy myself at any point. Yesterday was a better day. But I made myself sick or by working out, or we just gonna happen anyway. I didn’t meditate today! Oh well. I just got off Twitter again. I have been trying to go to sleep and then they started wanting to write a work out for myself. I need to do mostly (yoga) but when I want to do a short specific kit, it seems like you all the best thing to do is write my own. This is in the yoga I know exactly what I’m after, areas of what to avoid working…
- Day 5, 1-1-9
I’ll just type in here directly, as I’ve got no voice at all to use for the voice memo, like I’d been doing. Was reflecting on how losing my voice – a blocked Vishuddi chakra – is SO SYMBOLIC. I’d purposely created a servitor with two prominent, visible chakras, the ajna & vishuddi. But now, right, I’ve got “no voice in the world”. I sat before hand, with what remains of my first reversal candle burning in front of me. I tried directing all of the sadness, depression and anger I’ve felt over the past two years into it. All of the emotional effects of my disenfranchisement also need to return to sender. I didn’t do an uncrossing before I created my servitor… Maybe this is why she has not been as effective as hoped, yet. I’d missed more days of seated meditation. Today I was able to mostly hold my seat, but I did have a couple coughing jags. One was so violent I almost threw up on my lap. Wouldn’t have been much there. So far today I’ve only had black coffee, herbal tea and one caramel.
- Day 5, 1-1-10
Smashed the mirror for my first reversal spell tonight. It felt good. My hammer… it’s one I stole from my dad to take to art school and I’ve had it since. Reminds me of the hammer in The Earth Abides, a classic dystopian tale given to me by my dad. Had some beer & even some tequila too. Because fuck it.
- Day 6, 1-1-11
This was supposed to be 10min but I did 9 by mistake. I’d actually missed a full day in the heat of the illness, but I’ve accepted the fact I’m not going to do this stuff “by the book”, even if I’m following a book.
DREAMS: was on the beach with Henry. It was kind of cool for the beach, but I thought he was getting too hot (at one point I let him off the leash & he almost got away). Took him to a shady area and suddenly we’re inside! In a version of that square, many-roomed, sometimes haunted apartment dreamland likes to take me to. It’s probably based on the place in Brooklyn that I shared with Ernie. Then I’m back on the beach & Jocelyn is there & I’m telling her enthusiastically she should visit while I’m still (able) to live there, while aware I’m over stepping in familiarity levels just a bit. She’s in LA in real life now. She left Portland shortly I’d arrived after living here 8 or 9 years & was never “we should get together”.
Another one I’m practicing 3rd with Laura, and I’m moving really slowly, not even trying to keep up since I never practice that series anymore. For some reason I’m totally blowing smoke up her ass with flattery. “Oh you’re so FAST! How do go DO it?” Etc.
Something about a Donald Dump Siri…
- Day 6, 1-1-12
I forgot to do my formal, seated meditation again… actually annoyance got in the way. I feel like I haven’t had a good meal since Saturday, was promised lunch, got a nonchalant nothing & had scavenged eggs & a workout (thank gods) instead. Anyway every time I remember this exercise I don’t wanna do it but what ELSE have I got going on? I haven’t been creative in over a week & I couldn’t interest myself in watching any shows tonight.
Thinking about killing my servitor. I can’t feel any real gratitude these days. I knuckled down slightly after her “birth” but that was more a placebo effect. There have been no gigs…
Creative Circle called about something I’d applied to right b4 Xmas & I just watched the phone ring as I had no voice. Emailed back. I never get excited about those anymore tho cause a placement has yet to happen.
Think I’ll tranq up (getting to be a bad habit but this COUGH) and go to sleep.
- Day 7, 1-1-13
Up to 10min sessions now, and C seems to know when I’m doing it. He comes in! Add to that I can’t do the voice memo thing b/c it’d strain my voice too hard, trying to speak loud enough for the phone. So…DREAMS: The kids (source of this horrible, horrible cold) were home & I had the unpleasant “surprise in the kitchen”. I’d read some book on art theory / criticism and Cy and I had had a conversation about it before they left. In real life this wouldn’t happen! Apparently I’d asked her for some opinions on xyz, and in a challenging tone she followed up. She wanted to know if I thought she’d be a good art critic or philosopher. Too funny. This is another thing that’d never happen.I told them I’d been thinking to get a masters at RISD.
In another segment, I was at this agency thing, run by a guy similar to Christian Slater’s character in Mr. Robot. I was supposed to come up with $80,000 to have them “redo” me, get a packaged portfolio out of me.
Dream self – if no one ever wants to even MEET you, how are you going to show off an $80,000 portfolio? Silly.
- Day 7, 1-1-14
Missed this one.
- Day 8, 1-1-15
Decided to just do what I remembered from my dreams and seated, 30min meditation here. I wish you could embed .m4a files directly in wordpress, but you cannot. Link.
- Day 9, 1-1-16
I’m inconsistent with this exercise but I’ve finally accepted that’s the way it’s going to be. I already do a 30min formal meditation in addition. Also I read ahead just a bit and I’m really working on trying to “positive-ify” my thoughts before going to sleep, as well as repeating the banishing ritual. Recollections from last night’s main dream – Link.
- Day 10, 1-1-17
Did today’s “recollection” after my 30min sit, and I’ve decided I’m going to move on to exercise 2. I should’ve done this one twice a day for two weeks, making 28 entries, but this is the 2nd pass & I’d rather move on. It’s not like I’m getting graded on this.
I still notice beauty!
It’s easy to let Facebook make you feel like absolutely everyone is more successful at life than you are. I had a moment of that this morning, atypically alone during coffee time because Ch is off at work. But then I looked at my own Instagram and was reminded of the lovely time we had last night, starting with this.
We were just about to head out to the one of the closest brewpubs for some dinner and I happened to look out the window. Holy shit! Look at that! I ran upstairs so I could take a picture on the puddle-top flat roof, outside Ch’s bedroom.
We ate chicken wings and fries with tons of crap on them, like nachos, which was decadent but satisfying. Washed that down with a couple rounds of IPA. Came home, played with Henry upstairs. Got cozy. That’s not bad!
Step 1, Thought Control
I got to the 1st practice exercise in Initiation Into Hermetics.
I’ve already been meditating once daily for awhile, though it’d be more accurately described as “Thought Observation”. I decided to use my post meditation savasana as a five minute, experimental session.
I think what I’ll do instead, because I don’t have a teacher or a group and may as well make this fully my own, is devote the 5-10 minutes in the morning to dream recall. The book doesn’t give any indication for how long you should practice step 1 before moving on either, other than saying you should’ve “mastered” it. There’s some high expectations!
And I’ll add the 18min sit in the evenings, and than make a few notes from what I remember. I wasn’t going to add anything new until my servitor is born, but hey, the more the merrier.
And now I need to run through the ritual practice!
I’d set Asato Maa (by Ravi Shankar) as my alarm. It only took one om! It was loud and pretty startling. Plus I’d already woken repeatedly: when other people were moving around in the house; when Henry was deliberately being noisy; after dreams… So many dreams!
Started reading my new book, which was referenced in another witchcraft book. I do a lot of googling while reading and the historical significance & recognition of Franz Bardon impressed me.
I started reading just a bit of it… on page 44. Page numbers are nice (off Kindle) though the type is not kind to my eyes. Anyway, I am definitely the melancholic type, with the exception of over-trustfulness, lol.
It occurred to me I had no idea what hermeticism is.
Hermeticism, also called Hermetism, is a religious, philosophical, and esoteric tradition based primarily upon writings attributed to Hermes Trismegistus (“Thrice Great”). These writings have greatly influenced the Western esoteric tradition and were considered to be of great importance during both the Renaissance and the Reformation. The tradition claims descent from a prisca theologia, a doctrine that affirms the existence of a single, true theology that is present in all religions and that was given by God to man in antiquity.
It’s another system, but it ties in for sure. Tarot comes up immediately, page one as a visual as a matter of fact. All I knew was this book comes highly recommended as practical for the development of personal power. (Oh right that’s spiritual development and true knowledge!)
Should be interesting but it’s not what I’d call light reading. Anyway… Time for a little breakfast and then I’m going to draw a bit before exercise.